Teaching Teens Your Social Boundaries

If I had a dollar for every time I had a friend over and my teen, Allison, butted into our conversations I'd have at least $10. The worst is when she thinks she's being funny, too. Uuuggh. Her inappropriate anecdotes kill me and contrary to what she thinks, they’re never funny! I need my alone time with my friends just as much as she needs hers - mommy needs gossip!

My BFF stopped over for tea and sympathy the other day and my 14 year old proceeded to join in our conversation like she was one of the gang. She tried joining in the laughter with this little gem, “That reminds me of a funny story, one of the boys touched himself in gym class again.” Okay. That’s enough. She of course giggled like the school girl she is while we did not. When I gently asked her to resume her homework and leave us to our chatting, she regressed into Napoleon Dynamite-hood and left us with these parting shots mumbled under her breath, "...gosh...idiots...who cares about your stupid conversations anyway?" 

Teenagers are trapped in that Never Never Land between childhood and adulthood. I don’t mean they’re at the Neverland Ranch hoping to be rescued, I mean they're not quite ready for the adult social world though they desperately want to be in it. I believe that's why they often respond rudely or immaturely when we put the brakes on them, and of course, they only do this at the most embarrassing moments possible (for the parent). The trick is trying to teach them how to be socially adept by allowing them guided, limited interactions with adults they admire or ones you know who are patient enough to withstand those awkward moments.

Now, before my BFF comes over, I set boundaries with my daughter about how much time she is allowed to interact and what is appropriate for her to ask. I've even timed her 7 minutes of blistering questions like, "How's your boyfriend?...I'd like to be dating too, how's all that going?..."How's your hysterectomy scar?" "Have you ever read any of the Maximum Ride series by James Patterson? Isn't he creepy looking?" "Mom says your Ex is a jerk, is that true?" Okay, that's quite enough! I now fully understand President Obama's famous text: Kill.Me.Now. That's why I stand there with my hand on the back of her neck, it’s not for moral support it’s so I can gently guide her out of the room when I tell her she's done and gone too far. 

I know my friend has teens too and she understands that Allison is learning how to appropriately interact with adults socially. It's absolutely fine to limit your children's interactions with your friends because once again, they need limits. I think where parents often make mistakes is when we expect our budding adults to know these limits inherently. Puh-lease?! If I left her alone in a room with a gallon of ice cream she'd still eat all of it like a 5 year old, and the impulse to talk to an adult as if she's their peer is just as tempting.

Even though we taught them to use the toilet and eat with a knife and fork, our work is still not done. Now, we have to teach them how to behave like adults with the knowledge that they're still children. And that my friend, will likely take a lot longer and a lot more patience to accomplish.