Valentine's Day and the Science of Love

In honor of Valentine's Day I thought it would be interesting to get to the bottom of just what it takes to maintain a loving relationship with your spouse. And how, you ask, is this relevant to your kids? Well, clearly having parents who model a loving, supportive and communicative relationship is likely one of the greatest gifts that you as a parent can give your kids. Hopefully in seeing and experiencing the love you and your spouse demonstrate, this will arm them with the tools they need to seek out love in all "the right places" as opposed to, you know, ending up on a stripper pole in a dive bar full of unresolved daddy issues.

So this Valentine's Day, if you're ready to put your relationship with your spouse under the microscope, and learn how to kick your intimacy and communications skills up a notch, you might want to take a look at “The Science of Relationships", a new book published by Jennifer Harman, an assistant professor of social psychology at Colorado State who was one of 15 university researchers nationwide who contributed chapters to the book. Unlike most relationship and self-help books, which are opinion-based and written by clinicians, in the Science of Relationships scientists address 40 of the most common questions on such topics as attraction and relationship, initiation, love, intimacy and attachment, long-term relationship processes, the dark side of relationships, sex and parenting.

Of course learning there was a science to all this (as opposed to just winging it!) I was extremely intrigued and thought it might be fun, just in time for Valentine's Day, to get a few factoids under my belt to further strengthen my relationship with my husband. Ultimately I think the greatest gift I can give my kids is the experience of being in the presence of and witnessing a loving relationship--and what better time to do that than on Valentine's Day- right? Keep reading for my Q&A with author of The Science of Relationships, Professor Jennifer Harman.

Momtourage: Why is this book a great read for couples especially with Valentine's Day right around the corner?

Professor Jennifer Harman: Unlike most books about relationships, this book is not based solely or predominantly on advise or opinion. My co-authors and I took questions that people submitted to us about relationships, such as, Will we stop having sex when we are married? Will having kids ruin our relationship? and Am I a bad parent for putting my child in daycare? We looked to what science has to say on the matters and wrote it in a fun, entertaining way.

Professor Jennifer Harman: There are many things I think women and men could learn from the book. For one, men and women are really not all that different from each other in an absolute way. We aren’t from different planets. Our gender roles and how we have been socialized have very strong influences on our behaviors; sadly many people end up interpreting these differences as being due to our biological sex. For example, many people believe that women are better at “reading” what their partner is feeling, something we social psychologists call empathetic accuracy. So if you are having a serious discussion, a woman might be better able to tell that their partner is feeling upset than a man can. Research shows, however, that men can be just as good as women…they just need to be motivated! Obviously, there are some topics in which we see greater gender differences, such as in what men and women tend to find physically appealing. I believe people will find the answers in the book quite insightful.

Momtourage: Is there a secret key to the perfect relationship?

Professor Jennifer Harman: I wish!  There are a few questions in the book that get at this notion of “perfection,” such as How do I know if I met Mr or Mrs Right? and I believe for a relationship to work, people must be soul mates. Am I right? So, one way of answering your question is in whether you have a good choice in a mate. The other way to look at this is in how to maintain the relationship over time. All relationships have challenges. This is natural. Conflict is natural and not necessarily an indication that there is something wrong with the relationship itself. As long as partners trust and communicate well with each other, relationships can be mutually beneficial and healthy. We offer a number of suggestions for how to do this in the book, again, based on what the research has to say!

Momtourage: Why is this book a great Valentines Day gift for a husband or wife?

Professor Jennifer Harman: I think this would be an excellent gift, and definitely healthier and with fewer calories than a box of chocolates! Admittedly, it is probably not as romantic as flowers, and you would want to be sure that the husband or wife does not think that the book is a “signal” that things are wrong. There are many forms of intimacy, and one form is intellectual intimacy. So, I think this book would be a nice way to develop or enhance a more intellectual, rather than emotional intimacy with one’s intimate partner.  

Professor Jennifer Harman: I hope that couples read this book and want to know more. There is so much great science out there about relationships that many people do not know about, and I hope that this book starts to open people’s eyes to the power that this kind of research can have in their lives. Research should not be stuck in an ivory tower.  At the end of each Q & A, we offer a few articles or book chapters for people to “dig deeper” if they want to read more on a topic. We also have a companion website that is an offshoot of the book. On the website, our contributors (mostly authors of the book, as well as our colleagues who are also researchers of close relationships) all write short posts on topics similar to what appear in the book, we check “facts” that appear in the media about relationships to see how accurate they, and we also have a way for our readers to submit questions anonymously. One or more of us answers the questions on the site (kind of like Dear Abby), so it is a great way to get your own direct questions answered if you want an objective answer based on what psychological research has to say about it.

So married couples out there...have you figured out the science to your relationship?