Is Too Much Self-Esteem a Good Thing?

Like everyone else, I was deeply shocked and saddened by the news that Whitney Houston had died. What was really present for me was not how this could happen to her when she "had it all," but how normal I should feel when I consider my own scars and wounds and what "having it all" really means. Wealth, talent and fame may not be enough to keep demons and depression at bay. As mothers, it’s natural for us to want to protect our children from experiencing disappointment and loss, suffering hurt and heartache. It has to become as natural for us to allow them to feel how they authentically feel, while providing positive and healthy coping mechanisms to help them grow into adults equipped to navigate life in loving and life-affirming ways.

Last year, my daughter was discovered by an agency. She’s been going on auditions and just before Christmas, she booked her first commercial. It started running last week and there was this moment of “wow” as we saw her face on television. Then the phones began to ring, text messages chimed, emails poured in and Facebook posts and questions about YouTube ensued. Then a neighbor stopped us by the mailbox to play the home version of TMZ! All this happened in the space of a week over an image that lasts about 2.5 seconds on the TV screen.

We’ve had conversations with my daughter about her gifts and talent, as well as humility and responsibility. We've told her we’re proud of her for this achievement, but we also tell her we’re proud when she’s kind, when she gets good grades and when she makes good choices - heck, we hit the applause button when she remembers to give the cats clean water! Having a strong sense of self and a high self-esteem are crucial tools which also serve as powerful armor against challenges, both internal and external, which is extremely important for all of our children especially in today’s instantly-everywhere-at-once society.

One strategy which works especially well for our family is to stock our village with equal parts well wishers and truth tellers. For example, my daughter is BFFS with sisters who are a few months apart. When the oldest one saw her in the commercial, she ran to her mom screaming and yelling. The youngest one said “Duh, she’s at work. She’s still going to Chuck E. Cheese with us tomorrow.” Truth telling and ego checking at its purest. I'm not taking meetings or selling off everything we own and heading to Hollywood off the strength of one commercial. And while I want my daughter to enjoy this time in her life, I want to introduce balance early and cultivate her sense of self worth and value as much as possible. I want her to take pride in her gift and talent, yet I don't want them to be the sole representations of who she is. Being an actor on the level of Meryl Streep or having the best voice ever in the history of all would totally rock, but being clear about who she is and accepting her feats and failures with grace and growth would be just as amazing.

How do you help develop self-esteem in your child?