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Should You Snoop on Your Teen?
Should you snoop on your teen? Many parents are tempted, but there is reason to give us pause before we actually take the plunge and start rifling through our kids’ drawers, diaries and desktop computers. We need to stop and ask ourselves what is lost and what is gained when we decide to go Sherlock Holmes on our kids.
To be sure, teens face many dangers that were simply not present when we were growing up. We hear alarming stories on the news about sexting, internet predators, cyber bullying, “pharming” drug use, and even vodka eyeball shots to name a few. It’s enough to make any parent's head spin with this dizzying array of situations that can put teens in harm’s way.
But before you decide to get out the proverbial fine-toothed comb to go through your child’s belongings, ask yourself if you have good reason. Good reason would include such things as overhearing your child’s conversations about drugs, alcohol, sexual activity, or a noticeable change in your child’s habits, behaviors, circle of friends or grades.
As parents, we are charged with the responsibility to keep our kids safe. Their safety should be our primary concern. Clearly, if we have reason to believe that our teen is in harm’s way, then we must do whatever is within our means to protect them. That, at times, may even include snooping. But this should always be a last resort.
When we snoop, we risk the trust and respect we have built with our teen. This can be very hard to gain back…particularly if you had little reason to snoop and the snooping yielded nothing. Rather than enter into the whole idea of snooping, I recommend an approach that honors and recognizes your family’s rules, as well as your teen’s need for budding independence and privacy.
Such a conversation would go something like this:
“You know, Sarah, I choose to trust you and believe that you will follow our family rules. I know that you are capable of making good decisions and exercising good judgment. I’m going to make it a policy not to snoop in your things, because I want us to be able to talk about what’s going on in your life and I want us to be able to trust each other. However, it is my job as your parent to protect you, and I take that very seriously. If there is ever a time that I suspect there is something going on in your life that would potentially harm you, or put you at risk, I will do whatever it takes to intervene.”
This approach puts the ball in your teen’s court and makes her aware that you will not hesitate to cross the line to protect her. It is an up-front mutually respectful way to handle a subject that can be very dicey. This tactic leaves no room for surprises. With little margin for error, I'm sure even Sherlock would agree!
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In this day and age a teen has to pass a litmus test or two along the way. My parenting style is trust him first, but verify second. It's just not like it was when I was a child. Today's consequences have effects far more reaching than pulled hair or hurt feelings.
As I tell my son there are times and decisions he makes that show me he needs more support. One of the scariest things is simply the brain development of a teenager. Their brains are not matured enough to handle the impulse control society calls for. If it's not in poor taste, may I link to something I wrote about this subject? I'll check back for your answer out of respect to you.
I think this could be a very interesting discussion. It is something I tried to think about before the time came, so I'd make my decision from a place of clarity and not from a reactionary place. My concerns are the physical development first as it correlates to decisions our teens are asked to make daily. I've written about it too. The link is: http://brokenwon.blogspot.com/2009/09/privacy-and-pre-teen-brain.html
I've also linked to your article and hope to hear other thoughts.
I dont think we should get carried away with snooping on out teens. I also have to say I find nothing wrong with checking their cell phone texts or watching what they are looking at on the computer. I live where if ur kids are not into sports there is a big chance they will find the wrong things to keep thereselves busy. My son recently decided to not do basketball this year so he can hunt more. I have no reason to believe otherwise so I leave at that. Yes I would love to go through everything and follow him everywhere just to be sure that he is safe from all the things us moms worry about dont suck him. On the otherhand I also know he knows he can talk to me about anything, whether it is good or bad he can tell me anything and we will figure it out. I could never do that with my mom. If it was a bad thing then we were in trouble or she would simply say," I am not your friend I am your Mom and we dont talk about that". I ended up with my son at 17years old. I just hope I can stay the cool mom that will help my kids during these crazy teen years and head them in the right direction.
Hi Wendy - I really like your conversation advice and how to approach the issue with your child. I also agree that we should give some space and offer trust but keep our eyes/ears peeled for changes in mood, behavior, drug use, etc. You are right about that.
My parents were very strict and often snooped through our things. I was pretty cheeky and did a good job of hiding the things I was doing - behind their backs. I was pregnant at a young age (and as you know, I adore my son and I'm very proud of the choice I made to be his mother and to give him life and to face my personal responsibilities head on). At the same time...I have to wonder if I would have made wiser choices as a teen (sneaking out, partying, drugs, sex, smoking, etc) had my parents NOT been so snoopy and distrusting of me. I sometimes think that I made some of those un-wise choices just to spite them - knowing that they didn't trust me, anyway. So why bother being good, eh? (Stupid thinking but I did think that way, yes - and quite frankly, I think I had an angel watching over me and some days, I'm surprised I'm still alive - thank you, God!)
Well, you have given me much to ponder. Thanks, my friend.
Excellent article about how parents can allow their children privacy, establish trust all while attempting to keep them safe against social media dangers, etc.
I love the example/ scenario used. I am sure this will be repeated in many homes of Momtourage/ iVillage readers. Thanks for sharing.
Vodka eyeball shots? Pharming? what the hell, why do I feel all old right now despite only being 18? Vodka eyeball shots.. I shudder to think what that might be. Makes me sooo glad I never got into the partying/alcohol scene.
It's our job to check out our kids. Go where they are. Participate but not pry. But pry if danger is suspected. http://returntoworkmom.blogspot.com/
My kids have always known that at any time of any day - mommy can and will randomly go through backpacks, rooms, etc. They also know that questions might have to be answered and consequences may arise and mommy might get angry at times - but in the end, MOM needs to know what they are in to/up to at all times because no matter how angry MOM is (1) Mom always loves you and is looking out for your safety and (2)... when it hits the fan, the only one standing by their side - like a lioness defending or guiding her cubs - is MOM! NO, I don't go through their stuff every day or week, but do randomly check (even the phone texts and journals) and do a mommy cleaning of their rooms... Parents, speak to your children and reassure them that there is no need to hide ANYTHING - Listen to them, hug them - cry with them... LET them know you're THERE for them NO MATTER WHAT!
Link away! It's an all-skate, here!
This is one of those subjects that will always be relevant, I've even written about it myself http://back2goforward.com/forget-big-brother-what-about-mom-and-dad/. One thing I will add is that ignorance is a big driving factor with parents. I recall not being able to partake or doing many things growing up because my mom didn't know. My older sister is the reason I was able to go away to sleep away camp, she argued and pretty much sign with her blood that I'd be safe. I know that with new tech coming out every 5 seconds, but as a parent I need to be aware of it. That being said if my son (he's eight) comes home asking about something to do with the internet I tell him I'm going to check it out myself. Though he is only 8, he is aware that he can only use and go to site the we know about and what we have bookmarked in "HIS" folder. He knows what type of site we allow and we have to trust him to make the right choice. Our jobs as parents is to prepare them for the real world, and hanging over his shoulder is just not right. If I feel the need to check on him it will be with his knowledge never behind his back. I've done too many dumb things of which I've learned, it is this knowledge which I try to impart upon him. I don't ever want him to hide anything from us, since nothing scares me most than knowing he doesn't trust us to help him when he needs.
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