Disciplining, er, Refereeing Sibling Squabbles: Don’t. Make. Me. Pull.Over!

My son Jake is eight, and he pretty much lives for video games.  When he gets in trouble, it’s the first thing to go.  It’s such an easy thing to yank away from him – it involves no effort on my part, and it makes him miserable.  Today was one of those days when I could tell from the moment I picked him up from school that he’d be losing video games.  There was just something in the way he greeted me: “Hey, Mommy-o, whatcha know?  Are you in a nagging mood today?”  And sure enough, an hour later when I asked him to get changed for Tae Kwon Do, the battle lines were drawn: “I’m just going to finish this chapter.”  I told him he could finish his homework reading after he got changed.  “No.  I’m FINISHING this chapter.”  Yup, he yelled at me.  For no reason, really.  A sweet “Mommy, can I please finish this chapter?” would have gotten him far.  I gave him a warning to watch his attitude and sent him upstairs. 

A few minutes later Fiona came down the stairs.  She’s six, and knows every trick in the book to get her brother in trouble.  She can needle and jab at him until he snaps and attacks her, and then she comes crying to me and he gets a punishment.  It’s not right, I know that.  And when I actually see her do it, I stop her.  But most of the time I just see the aftermath: the crying, the red marks.  And no matter how annoying she is (and OH MY GOD she can be an annoying little sister), Jake just has to learn not to attack.  This time she probably wasn’t even bothering him.  He was mad at me for making him put down his book and get changed, and she was in his path, and that’s all it took.

Now, I can actually tune my kids’ fighting out pretty well.  If they’re together, they’re probably bickering, and I generally just ignore it.  (Must be genetic, because my sisters and I fought ALL the time and somehow our parents didn’t kill us.)  But when they bring it to me, I have no choice but to punish.  I’ve endured entire car rides full of “Am not!”  “Are too!”  “Am not!”  “Are too!”  and was fine until it went in the direction of “MOMMY!  MAKE HER STOP!”  “MOMMY!  “HE HIT ME!”  And once they involve me, chances are good they will both get punished.  They’re smart kids, but this is one thing they haven’t figured out.

The most success I had was the year when I paid them not to bicker (or at least not to involve me).  I thought I’d try a little game theory out on them: fifty cents a day to whichever one of them bickered less, but one dollar each if they worked together and didn’t bother me at all with their fighting.  It worked great…for a while.  But it wore off eventually.  It might be time to try that one again, it’s been a couple of years. 

So, anyway, Fiona brought the fight downstairs to me and I took away Jake’s video games for the rest of the day (which in our house also means anything with a screen – TV, computer, etc.), and we left the house with Jake fuming and Fiona sniffling. 

While Jake was learning how to punch and kick better (not sure we’ve completely thought this martial arts thing through!) Fiona was an absolute angel.  She listened to the car radio quietly while I took a much-needed nap.  At the end of the class as Jake was loading his weapons into the trunk (seriously, did we think about this at all?) I turned around and thanked Fiona and told her that as a reward, she could get a special treat from me, anything she wanted.  I’d read her a book, she could help me cook dinner, anything.  It was up to her.

She waited until Jake was back in the car, and then she said in her sweet, squeaky voice, “What I want for my special treat is for Jake to have video games back tonight.”  I couldn’t believe it.  I asked her if she was sure.  I reminded her that he had gotten the punishment for hurting her.  She was sure.  That’s what she wanted.  I said OK, and told Jake that he was really lucky to have her for a sister.

When we got home Jake bounded up the stairs to get online.  I told Fiona that was a really nice thing she had done.  She gave me a devilish look and said, “I wasn’t trying to be nice.  When he’s playing video games he leaves me alone, plus now he thinks he owes me a favor.”

Don’t underestimate little sisters.