My Daugther Has a Gay Best Friend - What Should I Do?
I love my daughter's gay best friend. But perhaps my daughter attending LGBT parties with him is going too far.
How did I know my 14-year-old daughter has a gay best friend? Oh I don’t know…maybe it’s his eyeliner, the way he speaks, his fascination with Broadway musicals or the fact that he cried when I told him that Liz Taylor passed away. I adore this kid; he’s the only friend of Allison’s that I actually look forward to seeing. I can’t begin to tell you what a wonderful influence he’s been on my wayward, angry, teenage girl.
Her gay best friend is considerate, thoughtful, intelligent, an A-student, popular, a great listener, and OUT…and at the tender age of 14! Did I mention he’s brave too? He’s so well-adjusted and comfortable with his sexuality that he’s an inspiration to other gay kids. Bravo to his single mother too, that’s some great parenting my friend. I’m so proud of this young man, if only my friends could have been that comfortable with their sexuality when they were that young!
He attends weekly get-togethers at an LGBT community center not too far from our house. Recently, he invited Allison to be his guest at one of these parties. She was so excited to accompany her gay best friends. Just let me state for the record, the parties are chaperoned by adults, there’s no alcohol, it’s on Fridays from 8 p.m.-10 p.m. and the kids are between the ages of 13-15-years old. She made a host of new friends and had a great time.
My parents weren’t too thrilled about this; but they’re old school. My dad says things like, “I support gay marriage. If a gay man wants to marry a gay woman what’s the problem?”
He’s confused.
Meanwhile, I think it’s important to expose children to as many social situations, that aren’t dangerous, as possible. Much to my dismay, Allison is a confirmed heterosexual. She’s been practically boy crazy for years and sometimes I think she’s determined to make me the youngest grandmother in the neighborhood.
Like her mother, my daughter loves hanging out with gay men. The apple definitely didn’t fall far from the apple martini tree. My name is Sherry Davey and I’m a professional Stand Up Comedian. I spent many years in gay clubs honing my craft and consequently, have earned the nickname Sherry Davey Queen Of Queens – official British royalty of Stand Up Comedy. I have no hang-ups about gay people and I’ve raised my girls to be just as issue-free as I am.
However, Allison encountered a challenging social situation that she didn’t anticipate at the party. A young lady apparently found my daughter “interesting”. If she only knew what a slob Allison is, it might have changed her mind. If that girl could see her room she’d run screaming.
When I arrived to pick Allison up, the young lady was engrossed in conversation with Allison and I could tell immediately that she was interested in Allison romantically. Allison didn’t quite pick up on cue. Her friend and I were perplexed that she didn’t see it, but then again, it’s not where her head is at so she didn’t immediately go there.
Allison gave the young woman her cell number and now they’re going to meet at the party to ‘hang out’ this Friday again. I tried to explain to Allison that the young lady is perhaps looking for more than friendship, but Allison is in complete denial.
I am slightly concerned about what might transpire this Friday at the party. I explained to her BFF that perhaps Allison’s attendance at the party should be treated like an anomaly and not a regular appearance – that last week was a one-time occurrence. Perhaps it’s inappropriate for Allison to be attending the gatherings regularly anyway. However, she did meet the management of the center and they fully support her attendance. They have an open door policy that welcomes everyone….lovely, accepting people…which is how I’d like my daughters to be.
I think this kind of in your face socialization is what Allison needs most in her life. She doesn’t need a computer class on handling complex relationships, she actually needs to handle some real ones. There are going to be times in her life when someone of the opposite sex (or same) expresses interest and she’s going to rebuff them (hopefully she’ll rebuff some men, right now she’s obsessed). She’ll also need to learn to treat others with respect and dignity. So perhaps this party will be a good training ground for setting personal boundaries and dealing with others honestly. I explained to her that it would be best if she’s upfront with the young lady right away as to not mislead her…and to do it gently. Right now I’m leaning towards keeping her home but I do see the value of the lesson and time with her BFF.
Her attendance at the party is also a way to show support for her BFF. And by me letting her go is also a way for to show support for his single mother that I’ve recently become quite friendly with. He’s also quite touched that she wants to go with him to a party that she has no chance of meeting potential suitors (that she’s interested in). He’s really benefitted from her friendship too…and in the end, isn’t that all that really matters? … I’m not sure.
What do you think I should do about my daughter's gay best friend? I’m really at a crossroads with this one. Would you let your child go to the party? Am I over thinking this one or overlooking a potential danger?
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I think you should let her deal with it. As a single mom (who has a bff who is gay too), we have to let them learn to fight their own battles. It is hard to sit by and know what may happen. But if we dont let them learn the lessons and find the value in each one then we are failing as parents. As much as we all want to guard our children we do have to let them spread their wings. Kudos to her for being so open and being his friend. Kudos to him for being who he is regardless of how society wants him to be! I think her going to these meetings is great, she is encouraging and being a bff, which is what she needs to be =)
Being gay is not contagious, let her have her friend,! Be, happy she is comfortable in herself!
Let her go, this really isn't any different than missing the signs that a boy is crushing on her. I don't really understand why you'd keep her home. If you took pronouns out of the equation, would you keep your daughter home from the party? If anything, perhaps the BFF can discreetly let the girl know that your daughter is a proud member of PFLAG instead of playing for the "home team".
As you said, this is a chance for your daughter to learn how to deal kindly with unreciprocated feelings. It's understandable that you worry about her, but this sounds like a safe situation: you trust the adults, you trust her friend, and you and she have been honest about her reasons for attending. I think you're doing a great job raising a lovely daughter and you should let her spread her wings a bit so she can learn now while there are people around to help her through any difficulties. And can I just say again so you don't miss it: you're doing great!
I see no harm in her having a gay, male, BFF. When I was 16, my BFF was a 19-year-old gay male. We used to borrow each other's make-up, he'd dress in drag, and we'd go dancing. Those were great times! It was a blast! It sounds like the kids are more chaperoned than what we were back in the day. I do think, though, if she is not romantically interested in this other girl, that she should gently let her know how she feels. It is less hurtful to be upfront with someone than it is to let them have hope and be let down harder later. Good luck to the both of you.
I would let her go - if she wants to go. If its a concern to you about the other girl, I would talk to the manager of the center and let him know what is up, that way he can speak to the girl in private and let her know.
Your daughter is going to meet a whole bunch of people as she grows up and she will have to "deal" with different situations and I think its great she accepts people as they are at her age. The world would be a better place if more people were excepting.
I think you should let her go! If you make her stay home, she's going to resent you for it, and it will make you look intolerant and hypocritical. After all, the only reason you don't want her to go is because it's a "gay party"... you can't really claim to "have no hang-ups about gay people" but then keep your daughter from going to a party with gay people. Plus, maybe she wasn't aware this time that the young lady was interested in her, but if/when the young lady makes advances toward your daughter at the party, she'll realize that not all invitations from gay women to hang out are completely platonic, and she'll know how to handle it next time. Sometimes you just have to let kids make their own choices and learn their own lessons.
I don't get this problem. So what if he's gay?
LOL, and no one has considered the possibility that this girl may be a little curious herself and wants to keep her mom out of her private life by playing dumb? Why would you keep her home? What would that accomplish? What are you trying to prevent? Her being "hit on" by one of "those people"? Because I don't buy your baloney. There is no reason that the fact that a girl is interested in your daughter to SHIELD your daughter from her. This is a reaction you are having to your daughter being "pulled into the gay culture." What if a boy fancied her? If this is about any sort of romantic situation you feel she is too young for, that's one thing. But if you're actually concerned that some young teenage lesbian is some predator who is going to put the moves on your daughter, I think we need to question how you really feel about homosexuality. I hope you meditate on it and find acceptance and peace.
You set the ship on it's coarse with your acceptance of homosexuality as moral and proper, live
with the consequences, grandkids may not be part of your future
I think you're probably over-thinking this. Replace the girl who may or may not "like" like (lol) your daughter with an age appropriate boy. Would you be worrying about it as much?
Relax. If the other girl likes your daughter romantically then both girls will have to deal with it and may end up with a great friendship as a result.
I would ask her how she plans to handle the girl that is "into" her and possibly role-play what might happen. I'm surprised some many people commented on your article without actually READING the article and only the headline!
Overthinking.
I say let her go. You said she is in denial about the other girls interest in her being more than platonic. Maybe she is right, maybe you are right (though most likely you are). This will give her an opportunity to learn and grow and there is no harm in that. I would think it should be discussed with your daughter possible scenario's on how she may appropriately handle this type of attention, so that she can decide how she would like to make her intentions known. It probably won't be the only time in her life she encounter's romantic intent she isn't interested in, may as well learn to handle these things gracefully while she's young :)
I'd just be sure that she knows that it's her right to say "no" to any unwanted advances from anyone, males or females. She'll have to deal with unwanted romanatic interest from males (and maybe females). She won't always have you to protect her and I think she needs to learn real life ways to deal with this situation while you're there to guide her. IMO whether they are from men or women is really irrelevant.
I'd just be sure that she knows that it's her right to say "no" to any unwanted advances from anyone, males or females. She'll have to deal with unwanted romanatic interest from males (and maybe females). She won't always have you to protect her and I think she needs to learn real life ways to deal with this situation while you're there to guide her. IMO whether they are from men or women is really irrelevant.
Definitely overthinking. Seriously, if it was a boy who was coming on to her and she wasn't interested, you'd let her deal with that, right? Well, what's the difference?
You said you want your daughter to experience life. Well, what is the worst thing that can happen when she is with this other girl? It's not that she will get pregnent. If she is boy crazy, she will probably turn the other girl down - but if she doesn't turn her down, is it a major problem? My daughter was in a lesbian relatinship at that age and when she turned 17 or 18, she decided to give the guys a try. She ended up liking guys more than girls. End of story.
You said you want your daughter to experience life. Well, what is the worst thing that can happen when she is with this other girl? It's not that she will get pregnent. If she is boy crazy, she will probably turn the other girl down - but if she doesn't turn her down, is it a major problem? My daughter was in a lesbian relatinship at that age and when she turned 17 or 18, she decided to give the guys a try. She ended up liking guys more than girls. End of story.
I'm more concerned that you write so openly about your daughter's life. She and her friends can easily be identified by the fact that you include your name and occupation. Can't she have a private life without you mining it for a byline?
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I think you have trusted her up to this point and allowed her some important (yet controlled) freedoms and she has responded wonderfully. To pull her back from the situation at this point seems inconsistent with what you've done so far. More importantly, from how you've described her your daughter sounds like she has the maturity and grace to meet this challenge. If the girl "makes a move" that will certainly be a challenge for your daughter and I can see why you would be scared for her, but I have a strong impression she will be up to it and will also become stronger for having deal with it. As you point out, these are exactly the kinds of tricky social solutions that all of us must learn to handle gradually as we get older. It actually sounds rather ideal for her to have such a safe setting in which to tackle this. I remember having to rebuff a drunken man at my cousin's wedding trying to grope and slobber on me when I was barely 13. No one around seemed to notice or care (there were certainly no chaperones to speak of!) as this was at a busy restaurant in the middle of New York City. Only a few hours earlier that evening my cousin's father (my aunt's ex-husband who I had just met for the first time) had asked me to dance and proceeded to pull me so crushingly close to his body that I was worried I wouldn't be able to breathe. These were less than ideal introductions to having to rebuff unwanted suitors and yet I got through them. I would let your daughter go to the party. NB: the only thing you said that I thought was odd was that you were dismayed that your daughter was heterosexual. Shouldn't unconditional acceptance go both ways?
Over thinking for sure!
"The wicked freely strut about
when what is vile is honored among men."
Psalm 12:8
Uh, the daughter is only 14. Way too young to be "exploring" any lifestyle hetero or homo. As a parent you have the right to determine what is appropriate for her to experience, even at 14,maybe especially at 14. Next year will be a differnt story.That one more year of growing up will allow her to make better decisions, but not this year.
Definitely let her go. I've never heard of lesbians forcing their attentions on straight women - this is FAR better than some straight boy hitting on her; some of them have NOT been taught manners, or boundaries or anything but "entitlement".
There are freaks everywhere.
This is a no-brainer. Of course she should go. Would you prohibit her from going to a straight party where she might have to deal with advances from boys that she wasn't attracted to? No! It's all part of life, learning how to deal with these exactly similar situations, gracefully.
If this friend is as good a person as you say he is.. then I say let it be. True friends are hard to find. I went to LGBT parties with my lesbian girl friend.. and it didn't hurt me.
I don't see what you're afraid of.
If you're daughter is straight, she will sooner or later have to tell this other girl, no harm done other than maybe a bruised ego. If she turns out not being as sure about her sexuality as it looks, maybe she'll experiment. When I was in my early teens, I thought I was 100% straight, today I see myself as bisexual with a preference for men. You don't seem to be worried about her turning out anything other than straight, so what's the problem?
If you've let her go to parties with straight guys before, this should be just as ok - if not more!
Keeping her home would be for one reason, and one reason only - because you don't think she's old enough for parties.
I think that u should tell ur daughter that she might want 2 end that friendship just 4 now. IDK, i mean, u will never know when it can get out of hands.
I am sure she will be all right. If the other girl makes an obvious move and gets rejected we can just hope she has the maturity to handle rejection with grace. If not, there are parents and your daughters BFF to help her out if things get ugly. Honestly, it will probably just be a little awkward, but nothing super dramatic. I am a lesbian, I have had crushes on straight women, but I have the sense not to act on it. Then again I am 21, a different mindset for sure.
I really don't see the issue here. The last paragraph answers your own question. She needs to get out into the world and learn how to deal with socially delicate situations. She might get hurt, this other girl might get hurt, but both of those things are okay. Some hurt is okay, as long as it's not dangerous. These parties, and the people in/supervising them, seem to be the safest possible environment that one could dream of. You've got to back off.
I live in a different city than you, but we have a similar program here. Once a week, LGBTQ youth (except here its 11-25) meet. Once again, no alcohol, no drugs, responsible adults, and what everyone there considers to be a 'safe space'. I guess you could call me a member of said group, and if the group in your city is ANYTHING like the group here, I just have to ask:
What potentional danger?! Your daughter being hit on by a female who is bi, or a lesbian? Okay, lets say the girl makes a move to hold your daughters hand, or kiss your daughters cheek. So what?! If your not against LGBTQ people why are you worrying!? If you raised your daughter the way you say you did, (making you an excellent mom I must add) Your daughter will politely tell her new friend she's not interested in her like that, and it really won't be a big deal. So why make a big deal out of this?
I see no problem with her going, Its obvious its good for both her and her BFF, and it would be good for her to learn how to rebuff people as you said, even if it starts with a girl and not a guy. I think its also good for her to go for the socialization and keep her open door policy towards the LGBT community open, and perhaps influence more to show others that they aren't really different.
And to the comments, its not about her BFF, its about the girl crushing on her daughter?
1) This is the most asinine post I have ever read. If you value those boy as much as you claim to, your daughter's own diversification should be of no consequence. Do not claim to be a friend of the LGBTQ community and then deny your daughter the same privilege (or showcase fear that she too may be a member).
2) If you are old enough to have a teenage child, you are too old to use the term "BFF" - grow up.
If a strange Boy asked me to come "hang out" at age fifteen, my mother would have panicked. Same as if it was a girl who asked me the same question. But letting her learn to deliver a rejection of someone s feelings in a controlled setting with adult supervision allows her to figure out how to politely, but firmly, say "no.", a skill she will NEED to figure out soon enough.
this is also a way for your daughter to find out about a world you have been part of for years. she will gain her own footing and do fine, just as you did.
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If this is at the top of your list of worries you're lucky.
Sounds like an excellent learning situation. I know that we all want to stop the pain of growing up for our kids, but this is but one of the many lessons she has to learn to be a well adjusted adult (and it sounds like you have given her a great foundation to be just that). Be there when she figues it out and has questions, but otherwise let her enjoy her friends.
I am really confused about what the problem is here. You want her to have to deal with social situations, and here one has come up! And the title of this question is misleading... you say you have no hangups and that you're totally okay with homosexuals. Until it comes to your daughter and her friend? No hangups = 0 hangups, not "Oh hey here are my hangups."
I don't think it's a problem at all. Honestly, if she's really being so blind about it,maybe there's a reason for that? Whatever. She can go, and if she's honestly blindsided by the idea that this girl is into her, well...she just needs to start watching the signs more carefully.
As long as she's made aware - by U (Mom) and her BFF - of the girl's feelings, she should make her own decision if he wants to bring her. YOU are a SPECTACULAR mom as his the BFF's. Your daughter sounds like the kind of good-hearted person - like her mom ; ) - that would be able to let the other girl down easy... and maybe earn another BF. MUCH LOVE to U ALL! VRV.
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You sound incredibly levelheaded. I'd say you and your daughter would be best served by your continued openness to good, healthy communication. And yes, teaching our children that they can be themselves and still respect and be supportive of friends who are different from them in certain ways is the best hope we have at creating a world in which love really is the basis for everything we do.... Great job....!
First, I think it is so cool that you have an open and honest relationship with your daughter and her bff. I understand that this is an awkward situation for you, but maybe it is time to have a discussion about the inherent lack of integrity in leading someone- male or female- on, not because of the situation, but as a values discussion. Most of the LGBT clubs and groups welcome their straight allies into the social circle, so I do not believe your daughters presence is in any way inappropriate. Tell her you think that perhaps the lady in question is interested, and the most graceful way to deflect that is to casually introduce herself as a straight ally, or if she thinks that is too awkward, to ask her bff to do that for her. No messy confrontation, just a preemptive heads up. I think keeping her home would be less than good- the best place to learn to set boundaries is in a place where there is grown-up backup, the danger is letting her out into the (unsupervised)) world before she knows how to do that.
stupid.
Let her go and relax. I am sure even if she has not caught on she will eventually and she will deal in her own way that is comfortable to her. She will obviously learn from the experience about what to look for next time and YOU will not need to step in and look like a crazy person.
I think you are overlooking something that seems very obvious to me. Perhaps your daughter is also interested in the girl, but not ready to share that information with you, because she's not quite sure about it herself. You say she's "boy-crazy" but just because she likes guys, doesn't mean she's not bi-sexual.
This is probably the safest place for her to learn this lesson on her own, and her bff will be there to support and help her. I'd vote let her go, especially if it's chaperoned. Although, you know your kids best, so its your choice if you think she's mature enough for it.
I do think you are over-thinking this. Wouldn't you let her go to a safe party where she was going to be "hit on" by young men? Give your best advice on how to be kind to this young woman, be flattered by the attention and hopefully have a new friend at the end of the evening.
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I'm a straight female. I consider being hit on by a lesbian exactly like being hit on by a guy I have no interest in. The stiuations are identical and should be handled the same. This includes not hedging. Tell them flat out there is zero chance of any romantic encounters and leave it up to the other person to decide if it will be a friendship or if they can't deal with that and need to move on. People who *really* care about you will respect your feelings and the bounderies you set. If they say they want to be friends, but keep hitting on you after knowing how you feel, they are disrespecting you, they are not your friends, and need to be cut loose.
I'm more curious as to how Allison feels about her mom talking about her social life on the internet for strangers to give their two cents...
Hi there everyone! For the record I am a college student, not a mom. That being said, I am a daughter of wonderful parents who love me more than the air they breathe. I'd just like to add for the record that even though you are all saying that this girl should let her learn on her own, without help, I have to disagree. I was about this age when I went through pretty tough stuff and do you know what I needed? Help. From my parents. Who thought that I had it covered. Experience is a good thing to learn from, but who has more experience: you or your child. If you sense a problem, then be a mom who fights to take care of your kid. That's what we all need: someone to fight for us, even when we don't want it.
I think you need to think about the fact that the idea that your daughter is aiming to make your the youngest grandmother in the neighbourhood is less threatening to you than her potentially going through an awkward "this was a date... er eh... I didn't think it was a date" situation with another girl.
Also, no teenager is a "confirmed heterosexual."
I'm not sure I see the problem here. Sh will have to learn to say no to all sorts of things. At least saying no to a girl won't get her raped. Also, I get why you'd want her to let the other girl down gently, but it may be a mistake if you are teaching her to let boys down gently. She doesn't have to be rude, but she does need to be firm.
potential danger? the danger your daughter being hit on? its great practice for when shes older. if it gets too uncomfortable she'll either come home or quit going. what is it that your really scared about happening. people these days are wayyyy too overprotective. try not to hover and be a helicopter parent. gotta let em have independence to be themselves and navigate the world. its not like shes goin to a rave