I Called Someone’s Kid the “School Bully.” Should I Feel Awful?

I did something wrong.                                     

To the people who know me well, this isn’t surprising.  But this time I feel badly.

I called someone's kid the "School Bully.” 

Yes, sure, every school has a school bully.  We single him out.  Point at him.  Label him.  And it’s never our kid.  It’s always somebody else’s.  And I had never really thought of the impact of this label on the kid and his parents.  Until now.

You see there is this boy in our school.  He was trouble from the start.  He had a history of stealing balls, starting fights, and hitting beehives with sticks (once bee patrol had to be called in).   He was the kid you scanned your class roster for every year, HOPING he wasn’t on it - praying to the school administration Gods, “Please, PLEASE don’t let us be in class with (blank) this year!”  But since kindergarten, my oldest daughter had him in her class almost every year.  And for some reason, he always picked on her.  We complained to teachers, went to the principal, asked to separate them.  But he would always find her.  And poke at her.  We dreaded this child.

But unlike other situations with school bullies, this bully's parents are aware of his behavior and spent years doing everything they could to get him under control.  Therapy, medication, intervention - even suspension.  I give them a lot of credit.  I would have sold him off long ago...

Anyway, he also takes karate with my daughter.  When he joined her dojo a couple of years ago we sunk in our seats.  "Great, they're teaching him karate," I thought, thinking about my daughter or some other kid in class getting a karate chop to the stomach at snack time.

In class, the Sensei had to always be on him.  He would make faces and just generally be disruptive and inattentive.   But he moved to a new group class and I hadn’t seen him in a while.  “Whew!” was my gut feeling.

But the other day I went to pick up my girl at karate and this boy's mom came to pick him up – he was in her class for a make-up session.  I heard his mom talking to the Sensei about buying "pepper spray" and I heard her ask if her boy would be able to figure out how to use it easily.  He said "yes".

I freaked!

As soon as they moved to the back door I said to the Sensei, "You're arming the school bully!?"

Well, I guess she heard me because the next day her husband came up to me in the school yard.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" He asked.

"Sure."  I waited for an apology for whatever his son had done to my daughter to naturally follow.  I'd spent the past five years hearing "I'm sorry" from them for whatever affronts their son had committed recently. 

"I was wondering if my son had been bothering your daughter lately.  I know in the past there have been problems but I was really thinking we had it under control a little now and that things were ok.  Someone told me they overheard you call my son "the school bully" so I was just wondering if things were okay."

There was no malice in his voice.  In fact, he seemed like any protective father.  I swear I saw a bit of glossiness in his eyes, like he was sad, and it made me feel horrible.  I could see, what I had said about his son hurt him.  And that I had voiced a public opinion of his son hurt even more.

My daughter came out onto the playground to our pick-up meeting place and saw me talking to this boy's father.  She instinctively grabbed my waist and listened.  I had a choice of what I wanted to say in that moment.  I could have said "what are you talking about?", but it was clear, no matter what I said a lesson would be taught and learned. 

"You know what?" I said.  "I did say that.  And I'm so sorry."

He was surprised.  I could tell.  His shoulders relaxed.

"Even as I said it, I knew I shouldn't and I knew it was rude."  I tried to rationalize.  "Well, you know how our kids have a history?  Well, when I saw your wife asking the Sensei about pepper spray it scared me.  And instead of talking to your wife about it, I said something really mean.  I had no right to call him the school bully and I hope he didn't hear me."  Then I just stopped talking.  I realized I had been a total B word.  There's no excuse for that.

"I just thought, that maybe he was bothering your daughter again, and I wanted to be sure," he said.

I realized, I HADN'T seen his kid been bothering Izzy lately.  In actuality, he hadn't bothered her in a while.  This guy had managed to help his kid- to help change his behavior - and I just went ahead and had made things worse by perpetuating the idea that he was a bully.  I felt so badly.

He nodded.  "I understand."

I apologized again with my daughter listening.  "I shouldn't have said something so mean.  I'm really sorry."

"Thank you" he said and he shook my hand.

I know I hurt him.  And he's a good guy.  I'm a shmuck.

I hope I said the right thing and that my daughter learned you have to own up to your mistakes.  The only way to make something better is to acknowledge it and grow from it. 

This bully has certainly learned a lesson.