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Fab Five Fridays - August 13th
My Son, The Ladies Man. What Should I Do?
Is this mom to blame when she’s got a little gigolo on her hands?
When my son was 5 years old, we were leaving a play date when I suddenly noticed the other mom’s face, frozen in horror. There, in the doorway, my son had her daughter in a lip lock. They were full-on making out.
What do you say to a mother when your pint-sized Lothario has just compromised the innocence of her 5-year-old daughter? I stammered my apologies and steered my son out of there as quickly as possible.
Honestly, though, I couldn’t help but laugh. I mean, this wasn’t the first time my son had “come on” to a girl. My husband and I always joked that he’d been born with the soul of a gigolo. Three years earlier, we had watched in amazement as he slid his arm around a little girl at a snack bar and drawled the classic two-year-old pick-up line, “So, do you like peanut butter?”
I’d seen him propose to bartenders, ask waitresses if they’re single, and hit on every good looking babysitter brave enough to watch him for a night (needless to say, many of them didn’t return for a second engagement).
I have to admit that I’m at least partly to blame for the behavior. Like many parents, I encouraged my son from a very young age to take an interest in the opposite sex. When he did show an interest in girls, I, along with his father and grandparents, acted like it was the cutest thing in the world.
My child is more precocious than the average kid, but his behavior isn’t entirely unique. I’ve seen countless parents oohing and aahing as their children—barely out of diapers—act like boyfriends and girlfriends in full-blown relationships. Then what do those same parents do when their children express a natural curiosity about sex? They act shocked.
My policy has always been to be open and honest with my son about girls, his body, and sexuality. That includes teaching him when it’s okay to be affectionate, and when he needs to draw the line.
Now that he’s 9, I realize that he’s only a few years away from the real thing. As he begins dating I want to instill in him a respect for girls—and for relationships. I want him to approach sex as something natural and beautiful, but also something that he needs to take very seriously.
In other words, I want him to be responsible. But I never want him to lose his charm.
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Well it's good that you see the hypocrisy of the parents who fawn over what a cute couple their kid would make with someone else's kid but then simultaneously try to instill a sense of the forbidden when it comes to sex. Your kiddo seems like a normal, if very flirty, little boy. I think the only thing you're going to have to watch for is the "ladies man" label that often leads boys into thinking that women only exist to flatter their egos. Many women might disagree with me, but men are not born thinking they're God's gift to women. That's a mentality that society teaches them. Mothers hold the key to putting a stop to that early in a child's life.
"Many women might disagree with me, but men are not born thinking they're God's gift to women. That's a mentality that society teaches them. Mothers hold the key to putting a stop to that early in a child's life."
Really?
Go talk to the fathers of those boys!
Lady, what you say and what you do when your son gets touchy-feely with girls are planets apart. If you give him a one-time sex talk in which you say "be responsible" or "respect women" and then you go gaga when he tries to smooch the next girl at ages 9, 10 and 11, he's learned smooching is acceptable and will get his parents to admire him. If the girl doesn't want to in the future, do you think he'll listen? No. You have conditioned him that his aggressive behavior is cute and desirable. He'll have very strong physical urges soon and guess what? He's going to push his way into getting what he wants because he's always been rewarded for doing that. It doesn't matter what you tell him. It matters how you react to his behavior at all times. Switching your behavior at 15 is way too late. Learning manners starts at age 1 and is continuous. Your son is going to plow his way through many women, use them up and throw them away. We women have mothers like you to thank for it.
What a horrible kid and a horrible mother. I hope my son won't ever turn out a manwh***e.
I'm against the actions of this boy, but I'm also against the (reactions) of the girl. If she hadn't welcomed his affections...the then you (can) bet there would not have been a "lip-lock". I hope he is using "protection"!
I dont know what people expect. In kindergarten and pre-school children play house. Taking on the roles of mommy and daddy and they have kids and pets and jobs. To them kissing and being BF GF is just another role play game. They are not capable of feeling or expressing anything of a truly sexual nature. As adults we place these ideas into our heads because in our worl kissing and signifigant others is serious and often physical. But to a 5 year old...and even a 9 year old all it means is you have a best friend of the opposite sex. Dont read into it so much.
"As he begins dating I want to instill in him a respect for girls—and for relationships. "
No, you have to begin instilling in him respect for girls-and all other humans--from the time he is an infant. It's not cute behavior.
" I’ve seen countless parents oohing and aahing as their children—barely out of diapers—act like boyfriends and girlfriends in full-blown relationships. "
This behavior disgusts me as well. I am for frank sex education and not acting like a prude about sexual matters, but there is a difference in allowing and acknowledging sexual development and actively pushing too mature behaviors down onto children before they are ready.
Why can't boys and girls be friends without adults attaching grown-up attitudes?
It's the adults who are over-sexualized and who need to grow-up.
This was an appalling story. You are an irresponsible parent. You won't believe me, of course. And maybe he will turn out okay in the end. But as others have noted, your boy will learn much more from your continual positive reinforcement of his troubling behavior than your vain attempts at being 'open and honest' and encouraging him to stop at your otherwise arbitrarily drawn line. I understand these words will sting in a public forum, though your friends will leap to bolster your confidence and dismiss us people who just don't understand. Sometimes one needs to take a harder line, especially when it comes to raising responsible children with integrity and respect. Good luck in your future endeavors.
Why the fuk is it always the boys fault.She couldn't raise her little future soon to be trick to srtop the boy before he goes too far like in the good old days for crying out loud???!!!!! The boy this the boy that.Thats bullshit 50 times.Wwomen claim to have their own mineds and a strong head on their shoulders,so where is all that when it is time to use it huh?????? Let blame if you let me.I'll give it to you.
Sounds like you have the right idea...teach him to be responsible with women, but never try to tame his charm. Let him keep it and develop it so that he has a fighting chance in the dating world. Its frustrating as is being a male in this day because women have evolved so much further due to having more experience in dealing with the opposite sex. Case in point: Women often create blanket answers to anyone she's uninterested in--guy asks her out, she immediately says "I have a boyfriend" or similar. Women have signals. Its a guard put up as to not hurt the guys feelings by just being honest. Yes honesty can hurt, but its a lot more healthy and appreciated. Women have had the info on dealing with men handed to them since pre-pubescence (much of it is pretty convoluted though) on the other hand...there are no boys publications whatsoever that would rival say Teen Cosmo or something. When you're a guy, you're pretty much on your own to develop an attractive appearance & personality that invites a positive reaction with women. Many guys fail simply because we have no decent point of reference when we're growing up.
Aww he is just kewt! Don't read so much into it. I think this Mom is on the right track! :) The kid just probably learned on TV that there may be a kiss at the door at the end of a date...and he thought that applied to "playdates" too! People are so mean sometimes and this is just a little boy with a big flirty personality. I have known a few like that, little flirters! I bet if he wanted to wear a dress, heels and makeup everyone would be screaming at her not to judge him and to encourage him to be whatever he wants to be because he was "just born that way," what a double standard! This kid was "just born" a Ladies Man! I am glad he is SO OBVIOUSLY STRAIGHT! Grandbaby central for her in the future~ Yay!
Shouldn't the parent worry about her son being charged for "rape" by one of his "victims/prey" because he crossed a line due to emotional and sexual "immaturity" in his development into a man. Its not easy being told to enter the candy shop, look and smell but don't touch. Its tough being a male or female in the world as we want our kids to be popular but also not cross the societal/judeo-christian lines of proprietary behavior.
It's nice that your child is interested in girls but it's not cute that he's already getting intimate with 5 year old girls (or younger). Hello? Forgot about STDs / infections? Even though he's 9, STDs are still amongst the younger generations (who knows...he might hook up with a 13 yr old who's a freak and I've known a few 13 yr old's that got pregnant or contracted an STD...or both).
You may think it's cute but I do hope you and your husband teach your son how to respect females overall. What happens if he gets rejected by a girl? Would he be able to handle it or Is he going to torment her for the rest of the school year? God forbid he tries to take advantage of a girl. Narcissists don't handle rejection too well.
Wow--I'm really disappointed to see some of the negative posts here. Thinking a child being affectionate to another child is disgusting, or viewing a boy offering a kiss or a cuddle to a girl as disrespectful or aggressive, is really unhealthy. The author never said her little man forced himself on another child that was unwilling. Maybe some parents could learn a thing or two from these little ones, who without malice or ulterior motives freely offer each other affection. If more adults were capable of instigating, and receiving those types of innocent comforts, maybe we would live in a happier world. I sincerely hope the author doesn't give a second thought to being called a horrible mother of a horrible child. That is an unbelievably ignorant comment. There are definitely horrible people in this world, but a mother who doesn't punish her child for being affectionate to other children is certainly NOT one of them!
Nine years old? You are too late.
Some of this is cute, but what was he doing with a bartender? Apparently some females find him charming, but "hitting on" a babysitter who won't come back isn't the act of a charmer. He seems to need some guidance about when it's appropriate to turn on the physicality and when he needs rein it in.
He sounds like a sensation-seeker, but there are other sensations you might have him encounter, like those of swimming, rock climbing, or skate boarding.
Reading the article, I felt a kinship with the mom who wrote it -- what a surprise to see your 5 year old kissing. We all have these situations we never dreamed wopuld come up, and I thnk this mom solved it in a way in keeping with her values -- sounds like the boy will grow up with some good instruction, then it will ultinmately be up to him to decide what kind of man he wants to be.
What truly shocked me was the holier-than-thou judgements of other people I am assuming are parents. We all have our challenges, we all make correct choices and wrong ones. I remember a school friend whose parents ignorantly bragged about how wholesome their daughter was because THEY didn't let her watch R rated movies, gave her strict curfews, snooped in her diary to check up on her (she knew it and kept a fake one), etc -- little did they know she had rebelled against the iron fist (no discussions allowed in THAT household!!) and was the biggest slut in our class!!
Lady, you have caused probably irretrievable damage to your son by not training him at an early age to respect people and their space. Are you crazy enough to imagine that you are now, after years of conditioning to the contrary, going to train him to reign in his outrageously insensitive behavior? Shame on you, and shame on your parenting skills!. This is not cute at all. What happened to everything in its season?
There is nothing charming about a lack of boundaries.
There is nothing charming about cheesy pick-up lines.
There is nothing charming about making out in public.
There is nothing charming about a parent feeling the need to 'teach' a child affection for the opposite sex.
I do not see how teaching your son to be a gentlemen will compromise his 'charm', I don't see any charm to compromise.
She thinks this behavior is charming? It's at least borderline creepy and predatory. There is nothing funny or charming about a boy this age having "the soul of a gigolo," and it's sad that she's delusional enough to think it is. She "wants" him to respect women, but it's clear that isn't what she's actually teaching him.
You encouraged this behavior from the beginning and now you're horrified at the result? Great job, numbnuts.
My boy's 19 now and has been a "heartbreaker" since he was six. He has had many "girlfriends" over the years and they are all still good friends. He has a steady girlfriend for quite awhile but when I look at his Facebook account ALOT of other girls from all over the world have said how handsome he is, not saying anything sexually. I know he's responsible and uses protection. So it's the parents roll to keep the kids inline. Alot of parents here seem to forget about that.
The writer is very different than my mother was. She was a strict and traditional type. If you've ever read James Dobson's "Dare to Discipline" then you can imagine my upbringing. I'm not totally convinced that it was her nurturing discipline that made me gay but i think it played a part.
Wow. All those negative comments above. I came here from CNN_com about an accident story and went to this link because I thought it was funny. A few years back I got my Master's Degree in Poland where I was born. And looking back in all my life I remember when I chased some girls laughingly joking that I would kiss them. I had some playdates with some of them but unfortunately I have never yet kissed. However I do remember a Bernadette of West Germany, Kristen Kimball & Christine & Jenny of California, USA when I wasn't even a teen. I guess that's what keeps me alive. That one day my son might be a charming and funny young man. May the times be a bit better because two of my great-grandfathers were in concentration camps and one of them was murdered, one of my grandfathers was constantly watched by communist agents and a little before he died very early we left for the West.
Best regards,
Gregory "Biernat" Wielopolski, M.Sc.
Yeah I have a similar 'problem' with my 3 year old daughter- she LOVES men....ANY men. She doesn't care if she's met them before or not, but she wants to be with THEM (held by them, kissed by them, their center of attention). Don't ask me where she got it from. Luckily we're in a unique situation (we live in China at the moment, but she was born here) so she has had NO exposure to any thing 'sexual' at all. Movies are all Disney, no television at all since it's all in Chinese and I can't understand it, no contact with men other then the occasional meeting of her father's friends at a dinner (we're talking less than 5 per year). UNFORTUNATELY here in China they call EVERYONE some kind of relative name...as in men on the street are called "uncles" or boys are called "brothers" since they don't use names here- it's all titles. So trying to teach her to have limits is a really LARGE task. I'm really afraid that she'll get 'taken' or worse because she is VERY beautiful (and she knows it) and she does get a L-O-T of attention here. (Big eyes, white skin, and long straight dark hair are the Asian concepts of beauty)
How can you control that without making them mistrust everyone?
I agree with those who said it's perfectly natural for kids to play house, doctor, and other games that may lead to relationship play. But when your son hits on a waitress, it's not normal - and clearly he's learned it from SOMEONE. Turn off Jersey Shore - or take a long, hard look at your husband.
And you STILL think it's cute! You have only yourself to blame.
so would you feel the same way if your daughter was lip locking with all teh little boys on the playground? if you answered, yes....then i have no problem with this.