Fed Up Fridays! Why Would an Adult Call My 9-Year-Old Fat?
Are we still so affected by "thin is in" thinking that we damage our young girls?
I walk up to her, get on my knees take her hands in mine and look her squarely in the face and say, "Madi, you have to remember that sometimes even adults can say mean and hurtful things and you just have to ignore those comments. Your body is perfect and I hope you'll just erase what Rachel's nanny said from your mind. The word FAT is an ugly word, and even though adults are supposed to know better--sometimes they don't!"
Although Madi wiped her eyes, smiled at me and hugged me back when I put my arms around her, I know my daughter has a minuscule threshold for pain and those words will linger with her for a long time to come.
It seems that despite all the strides we've made as the post-feminist generation of women, the majority of us still succumb to the stereotypical ideals shoved down our throats by mass media images- often contrived and propagated by men, and harshly judge one another by them. But we're big girls- we can stick up for ourselves and fight our battles. But cutting down a seven-year-old and instilling in her the idea that in order to be accepted she needs to be rail thin in my opinion is a form of abuse.
Okay- maybe that's a little harsh- and you might think I'm one of those mothers who is oblivious and unwilling to accept that my daughter is flawed-- I'm not. I know my daughter has a bit of a belly, but she certainly wouldn't be categorized as fat by any standards. I just hate the fact that at nine years old her self-esteem is already being sabotaged by the size of her jeans.
I know I'm not going to change the world and even if I tried to rid all media of skinny Bwords- unless I had the deep pockets of a Sumner Redstone I pretty much don't stand a chance-- but I'm certainly going to try!!
What would you have done in that situation? Has an adult ever made an inappropriate remark about your child, and how did you handle it?
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You did the best thing you could do for your daughter. And not that it excuses the nanny's ill actions, chances are, she has some serious body image issues of her own. She probably even has hurtful remarks burdening her own self-esteem. We all have them and it takes a conscious effort to stop the cycle of perpetuating the "body perfect" standard and loosen the ties between the unrealistic desire to be perfect and the sense of self-worth -- particularly for our young children, but even for our own esteem. ~Michele
It would be interesting to hear the whole story. My daughter, who is 12, has a brain issue that affects her speech. She's a cheerleader and even though they were being sneaky about it, some of the heavier girls were making fun of her. I was enraged since this is something my daughter has struggled with forever so I turned to one of the other moms and said, loud enough for them to hear, "These uniforms are so tight!"
You're doing the same thing yourself: "Fat is an ugly word." No, it's just a word.
"I just hate the fact that at nine years old her self-esteem is already being sabotaged by the size of her jeans." Is it? Sounds like projection to me. Turning an ignorant remark into a crisis seems worse than just saying "Everybody has an opinion, but it doesn't mean anything to you. Be comfortable with who you are, because it's nobody else's business."
I feel like you started your story in the middle. I was actually looking around to see if i missed something. Can you tell us what happened that would possess an adult to call a child fat?
Only 7 years old and she already has a belly? Too many beers perhaps?
Wow, these comments are appalling. "Beer belly", "Just a word", "Uniforms are tight"?! Disgusting. Words hurt, especially young girls, no matter what you say to your child on a daily basis, someone can easily come along and wipe it away in a heartbeat. Our girls, (boys tend to fare better in the world of peer pressure) need every possible reassurance, from adult friends of the family, teachers, and US. Positive influences and modeled behavior is the only way any little girl can make it through adolescence and none of you seem to be proving you are a person for your children to look up to.
Is your daughter 7 or 9?
"But cutting down a seven-year-old"
"I just hate the fact that at nine years old"
But why dont you ask the nanny why she said what she said?
I'd like to know the whole story. Adults don't walk around throwing out verbal abuse at children unless they've done something seriously retarded. Also, a fat girl shouldn't be told anything but the truth. If she isn't obese she has no reason to feel bad about having a convenient pack of reserve fuel on her. Fat is an adjective like any other. Its no derogatory without the stigma that the media and more importantly YOU as the mother attach to it.
IMHO Americans need to be told about their absurd level of obesity on a daily basis and on a personal level by the state if only to lower the absolutely ridiculous amount of money it costs to treat all their diseases. To say nothing of the massive aesthetic improvement in the USA and the boost it could give to tourism/international relations.
Also Self Esteem= pride= arrogance = Self Centrism= Sociopahty= Extremely dissfunctional human being.
People don't need a good OPINION about themselves. Never allow a child to feel good about anything other than an actual accomplishment. Their KNOWLEDGE of self-worth and how you gauge it will allow them to judge the worth of other around them, including you, and help them to gain appreciation and respect for other people, which will help build strong relationships, which will make psychologically solid.
I agree with Michelle. The Nanny does need to be informed that her comment was hurtful.
While Americans may suffer more from obesity, you cannot assume why this child is either slightly or grossly overweight. Children may struggle with their weight for other reasons besides over-eating or lack of exercise. It is the job of the child's parent and not society to discuss this matter with the child. Peace.
when I was nine I had a belly...it went to my boobs, just tell her that lucky little tidbit
I think you should give Rachel's mom a call to let her know what her nanny said. If shes that hurtful to a child she only sees every once in a while (I'm assuming) Who knows what horrible things shes saying to the child shes been hired to take care of.
A 7- or 9-year-old -- both ages are listed -- shouldn't have "a bit of a belly." Parents often can't see that their children are overweight. While the nanny shouldn't have said anything to your daughter, maybe this is a wake-up call for you that you are not seeing a potential weight problem. By the way, did the nanny say your daughter had to be "rail thin" to be accepted? Or is that coming from you?
Work with your daughter to reduce the pain.
Secondly, you need to have a talk with Rachel's parents. Explain to them that comments of that sort from the 'hired help' will not be tolerated. If the nanny wants to play head games with Rachel that is up to her parents, but your daughter is out of bounds. If they are unable or unwilling to instruct the nanny in civilized behavior you need to have that discussion yourself. If that doesn't work inform the parents that the nanny will not communicate with your daughter in any way. Put it in writing and describe the behavior that is unacceptable.
I see both sides here. On one hand, it is important to foster good self esteem in children, girls and boys. For girls, body image is unfortunately high on the list. It is clear you are a very aware, thoughtful mother.
On the other hand, I have to agree that a 7 to 9 year old should not have a "bit of a belly". The alternative is not to be "rail thin", but to be a truly healthy weight. I think, as Americans, we need to have some tough and truly honest conversations with ourselves about our obesity and "overweight" epidemic. I suspect that your daughter's quick tears perhaps suggest she is ALREADY feeling badly about her body and that this thoughtless woman's comments hit a nerve. Sometimes I think we talk so much about self esteem but fail to address that we, as a nation, are in general ridiculously overweight. I am not saying that your daughter is, but I AM saying that medically and physiologically speaking, the only reason for a child that age to have a belly is if she is eating MORE than she needs to in order to be healthy. This isn't about being rail thin, this is about tackling an issue head on BEFORE it becomes an actual problem. Sometimes I worry we make up very elaborate stories about weight, fat, self esteem, when in truth we all just need to eat less and move more, regardless of age. This should not be a cosmetic issue, though of course it inevitably always is. But it IS a health issue, whether we want to call it that or not. I am a slim adult, but as a child I was a little bit overweight. In retrospect, I wish my mother hadn't spent so much time telling him that "I was beautiful just as I was", but also acknowledged the obvious truth -- my extra fat stores suggested I was consuming too much and moving too little. No judgement, no shaming, just a matter-of-fact statement. I think by making this a bigger "society tells us all to be thin" we needlessly complicate the issue. By having too much extra fat, it's your BODY'S way of telling you you are eating too much, and I think all women need to get better at listening to what their bodies are telling them.
This is no criticism of your parenting and I know you are doing a wonderful job with your daughter. But I think we all need to be a little bit more honest with ourselves when it comes it issues of weight. Close to 70 percent of this country is overweight or obese -- those are unforgivable statistics. We need to do something, and one thing is to start young with truly healthy habits.
How can we or anyone understand and comment on a story when you did not actually tell the story of what happened here? You jump in in the middle of the reaction to..something.. that happened. A nanny commented on your daughter's weight in some context, we gather. Why not fulfill the five basics of journalism - who, what, where, when, how - before you begin your reaction and ask for ours? Also, who is the 7 year old referenced in paragraph 3? We know your daughter is 9, so who is the other child referenced here? In what context?
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