Should Parents Really Follow Through On Threats of No Presents?

It's the Season of Giving....and taking away. Should parents take a pass on discipline during the holidays?
by Sherry Davey on December 14, 2011

She’s been awful these past few months: lying about everything from blowing off homework to cutting class; failing the easiest subjects in school – Music & Art; she’s been beyond rude to every member of the family; and she’s been all over Facebook when she’s been explicitly told not to. To put it mildly, it’s been a rough year with my teenage daughter.

So, when I warned her several weeks ago that Christmas and Hanukah were going to be bleak for her this 2011 she just brushed me off. She replied, “I’ll get it together in December.” Which implied that not only is she in control of everything she’s doing and has the ability to get it together but that she just didn’t want to. Ooooohhhhhhh. That really got me.

She flipped me the bird in front of a family friend on Sunday. She thought she was being funny. No one laughed. In fact, they stepped aside while I dressed her down. I told her, “That’s it. You’re done. I’m telling everyone not to give you presents this year and I’m not giving you a thing.” She looked worried but tried her best tough girl response, “I don’t care.”

So, I called and emailed all the relatives and explained the situation. I asked them to return her gifts and make donations to Toys For Tots instead. They were all fine with it but ultimately I have no control over what any of them will do. However, if they come bearing gifts I’ll just have to tell them to return them….and I don’t care what their response will be.

On the other hand, there’s my 8 year old who always tries her hardest in school. Despite Aspergers and raging ADHD, this munchkin gets all A’s for effort and her actual grades aren’t too far behind. She also listens and doesn’t argue everything. She’s a walk in the park compared to her older sister. She asked Santa for the Wii this year and needless to say, she’s getting it.

When I was shelling out over $200 for the entire system yesterday it hit me….how can I spend this much on one child but nothing on the other? Talk about a Grinch! Nevertheless, if I go back on my promise of no gifts for her this Christmas they’ll be no living with her the rest of the year. She’ll learn that mommy is weak, not to be taken seriously and that it doesn’t take much pressure to make mommy relent on her promises. I think consistency is the only way I’m going to get through to this young lady.

Technically, I know I’m right. Then why am I feeling like such a heel? Please tell me I’m doing the right thing. I hate being mean mommy. Sometimes I wish I were my Ex, he's got it so easy: four hours once a week; fast food; bowling; and movies; AND NO disciplining of children. But my job is to raise them the best way I know how. If you know of any other way or a better one, please let me know….and before all the stores shut for Christmas.

P.S. I just posted on the Q&A page for Momtourage.com this very question. The Other Mom suggested that: “Possibly she could put in some time volunteering at a senior center or at a boys and girls club or something to earn the privilage of a gift?” Thanks for that suggestion. At least it gives her something to work towards and some hope….and gives me hope too. Great idea! Thanks!!

 

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