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Should Parents Really Follow Through On Threats of No Presents?
It's the Season of Giving....and taking away. Should parents take a pass on discipline during the holidays?
She’s been awful these past few months: lying about everything from blowing off homework to cutting class; failing the easiest subjects in school – Music & Art; she’s been beyond rude to every member of the family; and she’s been all over Facebook when she’s been explicitly told not to. To put it mildly, it’s been a rough year with my teenage daughter.
So, when I warned her several weeks ago that Christmas and Hanukah were going to be bleak for her this 2011 she just brushed me off. She replied, “I’ll get it together in December.” Which implied that not only is she in control of everything she’s doing and has the ability to get it together but that she just didn’t want to. Ooooohhhhhhh. That really got me.
She flipped me the bird in front of a family friend on Sunday. She thought she was being funny. No one laughed. In fact, they stepped aside while I dressed her down. I told her, “That’s it. You’re done. I’m telling everyone not to give you presents this year and I’m not giving you a thing.” She looked worried but tried her best tough girl response, “I don’t care.”
So, I called and emailed all the relatives and explained the situation. I asked them to return her gifts and make donations to Toys For Tots instead. They were all fine with it but ultimately I have no control over what any of them will do. However, if they come bearing gifts I’ll just have to tell them to return them….and I don’t care what their response will be.
On the other hand, there’s my 8 year old who always tries her hardest in school. Despite Aspergers and raging ADHD, this munchkin gets all A’s for effort and her actual grades aren’t too far behind. She also listens and doesn’t argue everything. She’s a walk in the park compared to her older sister. She asked Santa for the Wii this year and needless to say, she’s getting it.
When I was shelling out over $200 for the entire system yesterday it hit me….how can I spend this much on one child but nothing on the other? Talk about a Grinch! Nevertheless, if I go back on my promise of no gifts for her this Christmas they’ll be no living with her the rest of the year. She’ll learn that mommy is weak, not to be taken seriously and that it doesn’t take much pressure to make mommy relent on her promises. I think consistency is the only way I’m going to get through to this young lady.
Technically, I know I’m right. Then why am I feeling like such a heel? Please tell me I’m doing the right thing. I hate being mean mommy. Sometimes I wish I were my Ex, he's got it so easy: four hours once a week; fast food; bowling; and movies; AND NO disciplining of children. But my job is to raise them the best way I know how. If you know of any other way or a better one, please let me know….and before all the stores shut for Christmas.
P.S. I just posted on the Q&A page for Momtourage.com this very question. The Other Mom suggested that: “Possibly she could put in some time volunteering at a senior center or at a boys and girls club or something to earn the privilage of a gift?” Thanks for that suggestion. At least it gives her something to work towards and some hope….and gives me hope too. Great idea! Thanks!!
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You are creating a narrative in which you have an angel and a demon. Both of your daughters are inherently good people simply because they exist. I would try to do some meditation on the stories going around in your head about who each of them is. "She is awful." Is that true? Think of examples that point out the opposite. You are only going to continue *creating* this story when you say things like it is obvious the angel gets the Wii and obvious the other one should get nothing. Tell your older daughter what you think her special skills are and praise her for them. You are going to get lost going down a road where you antagonize more and more and there is no way fo her or you to get out. There's a great meditation called Raising Holy Sparks that is good when you are in antagonism with someone. Also, remember: Happiness is here, only seeing it is in question. If you contain your daughter's emotions (read about attachment theory to learn about containment, but basically keep treating her like the good person she is even when you don't think she is acting that way), she will be able to work out how she treats other people on her own.
I would move forward with Christmas as usual for both of your daughters. I would tell your daughter that you are sorry for both of you that you all have not been getting along and to ask her if there is something she would like to do with you, go on some sort of outing etc, and try to put this whole thing to bed before it keeps spiraling. You are not going to achieve anything by demoralizing her. Part of the thinking that is the problem is the thought that she *has* to act "good." Contain, have a sense of humor, see the actions you don't like as the trappings of being a teenager, and know that she, herself, is inherently good. If you build her up you will be amazed. She doesn't have to lose out for both of you to win.
Also, I just noticed you are divorced. I have no experience with divorce, but I imagine it is devastating for the children. Getting into power games on top of putting them through a divorce just seems too much to bear for children. I know if I were your daughter's age and had gone through a divorce and were having so much antagonism with a parent, I would have greatly benefitted from seeing a psychologist to have my own personal space to figure things out. I highly recommend seeing a psychologist (PhD, or PsyD) over social workers. Although even with psychologists, you have to shop around till you find one that is right.
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