Do You Listen to or Lecture Your Teen?
We’re sure you know the answer to that one. But hear what the experts say.
When is the last time you listened to your teen?
Really listened.
We often think we are listening to our kids, when instead, we are actually lecturing. Only problem is, when the lecture starts, the teen’s ears, mind and motivation turn off. Leave the lectures to Science and World History teachers and start to listen to your teen.
Take for example the following scenario:
Parent: You need pick up the slack in your math class. I see your grades are slipping.
Teen: So.
Parent: If you don’t bring that grade up, basketball will be over.
Teen: Whatever.
In the above scenario, the teen is being told what to do and what the consequences will be if it isn’t done. Pretty straightforward. Very classic. Clearly, the parent is concerned about the child’s grade and wants what’s best for the child. It’s also clear that the teen has shut-down and is not engaged.
Here’s another example of the same situation, with a different outcome:
Parent: I noticed that your math grade has been slipping.
Teen: So.
Parent: It makes me wonder what has been happening.
Teen: That class sucks. The teacher has no idea what she’s doing.
Parent: That class is difficult for you.
Teen: Yeah.
Parent: You aren’t understanding what the teacher is trying to get across.
Teen: The work is really hard.
Parent: Sounds like it. What do you think might help?
Teen: Maybe I could go in and ask for extra help on the days when she is available for that.
Parent: That might help. Anything else?
Teen: Maybe I could spend an extra 15 minutes a night working on the math to try to understand it. I think they have tutors available, too.
Parent: Would that help?
Teen: I don’t think I’d do the tutor thing. That’s lame.
Parent: What would happen if your grade stays the same?
Teen: I might be ineligible for basketball.
Parent: That would be a bummer.
Teen: Yeah. I can’t let that happen.
Parent: Sounds like you have an idea of what you need to do then.
Teen: Yeah.
Parent: Good luck with it.
Teen: Okay.
The conversation in the second scenario took a few more words, but the payoff is much bigger. Not only did the teen feel listened to, but he also identified how bad grades are problematic in his life. He was also allowed to problem-solve without being told what to do, which makes it more likely that he will actually take a proactive stance in making the changes that are needed to improve the grade.
Listen to your teen today, and you can both reap the benefits!
Does communicating with your teen differently actually work for you?
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My advice is always listen - don't lecture. I don't have teens but I am always listening to the needs of my children and finding new ways in which to get them to do what I want them to do. Parents, we have to be cunning and think about what we want our end result to be!
Wendy - lovely article! Thank you! (Amy McCready)
Hi Amy,
Thanks for dropping in!
Wendy =)
When I was a teenager...I was a MONSTER of a teenager. I didn't really get into trouble too much, I kept all A's in school, but at home I was horrible to my mother.
That conversation, in my household, would have gone like this:
Parent: I noticed that your math grade has been slipping.
Teen: So.
Parent: It makes me wonder what has been happening.
Teen: Nothing. It's fine.
Parent: That class is difficult for you?
Teen: NO, IT'S FINE.
Parent: Are you not understanding what the teacher is trying to get across?
Teen: Why do you care? My teacher is an a**hole.
Parent: Watch your mouth. Why are you copping an attitude? I'm just trying to help.
Teen: I SAID IT'S FINE.
What would have triggered all of my attitude was simply the fact that the conversation started with what sounds like an accusation or a criticism: "You're grades are slipping". Teens can sense where that conversation is going from a mile away, and will shut you out immediately. Every conversation when I was a teen started that same way. I know my mom was concerned about me, and wanted to steer me in the right direction, but it came across as a perpetual stream of "you're not good enough's".
You're teen probably already feels badly about herself for some reason or another. You're concern may very well be interpreted as an attack on something she is already worried or self conscious about. Try starting the conversation with something you're really proud of her for, or that she's just done well. You'll probably get a lot farther.
This will seem like contrary action, but if you do it consistently, you will build and repair a bridge of communication:
Require of yourself and your teen 1-1/2 to 2 hours per week for an activity you can share outside of the home with a low- agenda. (meal, bowling, laundromat). Driving your teen to their activities does not count.
Reserve this time on a calendar. Make it top priority for you, the parent. DO NOT TALK ABOUT ISSUES. Keep it light, simple, talk about the weather. That's all. No matter what mayhem is going on, no matter how important a pressing issue may be, DO NOT TALK ABOUT ISSUES. In fact, give yourself permission to let your teen do most of the talking, even if it is mono-syllabic. Allow what may be periods of awkward silence. Resist giving voice to how your teen decided to dress for the occasion. Do not correct a single thing they say or do for these two hours. Resist the temptation to explain what your intention is for this time. Do not make any pledges about this time being “free from judgment”, etc etc. Your behavior will speak louder than any words you could possibly use.
After 4 consecutive weeks, you'll be amazed at the dividends. When they're sure there is not an ulterior motive, they'll start talking. DO NOT GIVE ADVICE, no matter what your instincts are. Appropriate responses are: "wow", or "That sounds amazing", or “Bummer”. You get the idea.
After 8 consecutive weeks, during, say, breakfast at Denny's they may even start asking for your advice. RESIST THE TEMPTATION. The appropriate response if asked for advice during this 2 hour times is: "Let me think about that, and get back to you”. Make sure to give your opinion outside of the 2 hours.
Even teens who don't want to be seen dead with their parents will look forward to the time you put aside just for them.
It worked for my "difficult" now 26 and 21 year olds. Even when they were grounded for an infraction, they looked forward to those meals and activities free of judgment. They sometimes used the time together to voice their opinion about what a harsh parent I was. Knowing that I was not going to engage in an argument gave me surprising freedom.
It's worked for every family I've given this secret to that has put aside the time consistently. It will work for you!
God bless.