Is It Important to Open Up With Your Child About Sex?

Your young teen isn’t ready for sex or any kind of physical intimacy; neither is your older teen, and neither am I for that matter (at least not these days). Actually, I’m in need but I’m not ready either for all the emotional issues that go along with it – complex social issues that can reduce one to tears in a matter of moments. That doesn’t mean however, that I want to shut the door regarding the discussion of sex with my young, not-so-mature teenage daughter. Just because I don’t think she’s ready for intercourse doesn’t mean we can’t have a dialogue about it.

However, today, our covering doctor shut down that dialogue in a matter of seconds. I am so furious with this woman I don’t even know where to begin. So I’ll start here: I brought my 14 year-old daughter to her office today for a physical so she can play sports at school. Sounds routine, dare I say harmless, right? Wrong.

She asked my girl all the questions a doctor in this situation normally would and should: “You don’t smoke right?”; “Do you use drugs? Heroin?”; “Do you menstruate?”; “Are you sexually active?” The last question left my daughter giggling like a school girl…which she is. The doctor proceeded to inform her about STDs, pregnancy, and all that. It was great. Then suddenly, she blurts out, “I’m glad you’re not having sex Allison because it’s just wrong.”

Now this last statement prompted a response from my daughter, not because she’s sexually active (I really don’t think she is because I believe her and she’s thankfully not that in to boys yet, her struggles are more with math than the opposite sex), but because she's a teenager and she likes to debate everyone on everything…and get the last word.

“What’s wrong? Sex?” Allison asked.

“No,” the doctor replied, “Sex outside of marriage. I’m not sure if you belong to a church Allison but in my church we don’t believe in sex outside of holy matrimony. Abstinence is the only way, end of discussion.”

I was shocked. To which I replied, “Is all this covered by Blue Cross Blue Shield? Because I just brought my daughter in for a physical and we also happen to be Jewish. Can we just commence with the physical please and leave the lecture behind? With all due respect, I’ll teach my daughter what’s right and wrong thank you.”

I didn’t shout, I didn’t sound angry, and I smiled through every word I said…but I think I got my point across. It took all my strength not to raise my voice at this woman. I hate it when people proselytize. It’s not that I’m against abstinence; I wish all teenagers would abstain from sex. I bolded that last statement because I don’t want to mislead you. I think that show Teen Mom on MTV is the best ad for remaining abstinent for all teenagers. (I make my daughter watch it so she can see the harsh reality of being a young mother, and the guys are cute – just kidding.) It was the “end of discussion mark” that really threw me.

I think once we shut the proverbial door on topics like sex, with that kind of phrase, then kids (or anyone for that matter) are less inclined to open up to parents. I want my children to always feel that they can discuss anything with me. If one buttons a conversation regarding intercourse with that phrase then when that teen is ready to have sex they may not feel comfortable going to their parents with really important questions about pregnancy, condoms, birth control, etc.

And let’s face it: they’re having sex. Let’s get real. I’m not so sure this whole abstinence movement is really working in this country. We have the highest teen pregnancy rate in the industrialized world. At least that’s what I read on the Internet…so it must be true.

So maybe instead of shutting the doors to information and conversation let’s open them. And I gotta tell ya, as a parent too, it really bothers me when people feel the need to parent my child without my permission…especially in front of me! It’s really presumptuous and insulting. I know it takes a village and we are the village people but some of those villagers have their own agenda.

Don’t worry, I made sure to tell Allison to come to me with any questions she may have about sex… and that we’ll look up the answers together on Google. I really don’t know half of what is going on out there today. I’m still going to encourage abstinence for her of course. I’m not so sure it’s going to work…it didn’t with me. But I’m gonna try.

What do you think? Do you have discussions with your young teen regarding sex? Do you promote abstinence? How do you feel about others parenting your children?