How Do I Stay Under Control With My Teen?

A typical interchange with my teenage daughter when asked for the fifth time to follow through on the most minor of tasks:  “Put away your laundry now please,” as the pile on her floor is still there from last week.  “No, I don’t want to, leave me alone.”  “Good,” I reply.  “Maybe I will leave you alone…like at a rest stop on a highway somewhere!”

Sound familiar?  Frustrating isn’t it?  The other day my teen was sooooo rude to me.  She accused me of abuse, cheapness, having food issues, etc..simply because I told her that no longer will she have an open account (as most kids do in her school) at the school cafeteria as she’s been abusing the privilege.  From now on, she will only get the exact amount in cash for five hot lunches on Monday.  So, if she decides to use it all up by Tuesday buying junk food….oh well, her problem.  She’s got to grow up sometime.  She’s been buying all sorts of unhealthy snacks in addition to her regular hot lunch.  In fact, she gained eight pounds in the last month! Hello, high blood pressure.

Staying in control when dealing with my soon-to-be 14 year old is much harder than I ever thought, I remember testing the limits with my parents as well. I can recall like it was yesterday, provoking my father into such a rage that he threw a chair at me.  It was a wicker chair thank goodness….but I got the message.  I knew I was pushing him too far but I just couldn’t stop myself from having to have the last word…and I did…”HELP!”

A wise parenting sage, my grandmother, mother of 15, once told me that as your child grows you too must grow.  She claims we need to accept their need to question and test us in order for them to grow as human beings.  They are no longer at an age when everything is so black and white like when they were younger, as when we set down the rules for them to follow without question.  Now the situations they find themselves in require more advanced thinking and that arguing (that they’re so good at) is a tool they use (like a hammer all over you) in order to test that thinking.

Moderating one’s voice is another suggestion for staying in control during those heated ‘conversations’ with one’s teen.  I don’t think it works.  And when I say it doesn’t work I mean I’m not able to do it.  Therefore, I’ve opted for taking walks.  I just simply say, “I need to take a walk and cool down.  I’m afraid this argument is escalating rapidly and I don’t want to have that kind of conversation with you.  I want us to treat each other with respect.”  When I’m particularly annoyed with her I make her take the walk.  That gives me some satisfaction.

I’m also really concerned that she learns good coping mechanisms and strategies for managing her anger and diffusing difficult situations.  When I was growing up, my dad had two emotions:  anger and rage.  I must admit, I drove the man to distraction whenever possible however, it took me till I was in my late twenties maybe even thirties to really develop effective life coping skills.  Looking back, I understand he did the best he could.  Today, we have a wonderful relationship and are able to laugh about the past.  So, I’m trying to learn from the experience.

I think our children will be facing countless challenging situations as they grow older.  God only knows what the economy will be like in the future, what the job front will look like, the cost of a decent college education or how they’ll be able to make a living and live happily.  Considering those obstacles and all the others associated with maturing, they will most likely need to grow up much sooner than we did.  So, staying in control is the motto for 2011:  financially, philosophically and with family.

Any tips on staying in control?