Having “The Talk”: Puberty & Sex

When her daughter was 11 years old, Erika Klein admits she wasn’t looking forward to the next phase in her daughter’s life.

“Puberty meant big changes in our relationship,” she says. “I wanted to keep enjoying the younger childhood stage, where she thought I was awesome most of the time and things were about learning, discovery, play, and bonding.”

But instead of fighting the inevitable, she decided to be proactive about it.

“I spend a lot of time giving her the support and information she needs and my daughter knows our home is a place where she is safe to ask questions,” she explains.

Taking a page from Klein’s book, parents can, with a little bit of preparation, have “talks” with their kids without breaking a sweat.

First things first

“Do not assume anything,” says Dr. Joseph Skoloff, a pediatrician in Loudon County, Virginia. “Although your child may talk a good game, he or she is most likely to have come across some type of information about puberty and sex before the official talk. Keep in mind this information may be inaccurate.”

Dr. Skoloff recommends that parents refrain from making judgmental statements, and instead use your own personal experiences to relate to your child.

“Try to relate the talk to the contemporary reality of children's lives,” he says. “In addition to speaking about abstinence, speak about the importance of protective sex.” 

Explain your family’s values on sex and relationships but maintain room for them to ask questions and come to you if they have concerns. Focus on the positives of this phase and how you two will work through it together.

Like everything else she may be experiencing, assure them that these changes are normal. If they’re maturing faster than most of their friends, they might be reluctant to be the only one “changing” so keep an eye out for what stage of puberty their friends are in.

Realizing that your baby girl can fill out a bra can be shocking. So can your baby boy’s peach fuzz on his upper lip. But if you think it’s rough on you, imagine what it’s like for them.

Additional resources:

Sex, Puberty, and All That Stuff: A Guide to Growing Up by Jacqui Bailey  

The Care & Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls by Valorie Schaefer

It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health by Robie H. Harris