Consequences – Does Your Teen Really Understand Them?

I’ve said it (rather written it) many times before, but I’ll say it again: teenagers are just children trapped in adult bodies. That’s why they can be so responsible one minute--seeming to understand the notion of consequences--and then terribly immature the next….kind of like my ex. My BFF (along with several other neighborhood moms) and I have been having this discussion frequently as we’re all quite frustrated with our (more often than not) immature teenaged children.

My 14-year-old daughter lost her cell phone for the third (and final) time this past Sunday, but then cried like a baby when I took it away from her. Meanwhile, I had warned her the last time she misplaced it that it is a very expensive item ($200 to replace) and that after the third strike she’d be without it. Despite the warning and the past carelessness with it, my taking it away was still met with cries of “This is so not fair," “I bet other teens do this all the time and they don’t lose their phones," “I have a disability, I have ADHD!”, etc, etc.

It’s all about behavior and consequence. She doesn’t seem to get (or at least won’t let me know that she gets) that the consequences I enforce are a result of her poor choices. She can be exasperating.

My BFF’s son is 16. Now while he’s a very good student and generally a well behaved young man, he’s also capable of making dopey decisions. He stayed out way beyond curfew on Saturday night and was consequently grounded for the next week. Translation: no homecoming dance the following weekend.

When he begged that his punishment not interfere with his social life, my BFF explained to him that that’s what punishment is all about and that’s why it’s called a punishment and not a reward. This 6’01” man child then proceeded to cry and throw a temper tantrum. Meanwhile, the last time he stayed out way beyond curfew he received the exact same consequence; as the teenagers of my generation would say, “Duh."

I guess we can chalk up this behavioral disconnect to immaturity meets poor impulse control. At this point, I’m beginning to lose hope that she’ll ever just “get it” and be able to make the connection between her actions and the results of those actions. Until that day, I continue to follow through with consequences and remain consistent with rules. Then she visits with her father and is allowed to do whatever she wants because he’s, and I quote, “A lot of fun." So, he’s the good time guy and I’m mean mommy. Ain’t life grand?

Are you having similar experiences with your teens? Are you just as frustrated with their lack of consequence? Or has your teen turned the corner on maturity and is suddenly getting it? If so, when did you notice the break through? Please share….we could all use a little inspiration and some good news. Please tell us it's going to get better.