Discipline: Learning How to Say No to Your Kids

It’s funny, our children don’t have a problem saying “no” to us, yet we adults have a hell of a time figuring out how to say no to them.  Let’s be honest, there are a ton of reasons to give in to our kids and it's tough learning how to say no.  First of all, when they don’t get their way, they can be angry little imps.  They can also hit you with those cherubic saucer eyes, and sometimes their arguments even carry a shred of sensibility.  Whether we’re sucked in by the fear of an impending scene, those sweet puppy dog eyes, or a craftily constructed argument, parents do their children a huge disservice by wavering.  Parents can’t let guilt, exhaustion, or embarrassment be a factor in their decision making.  I know, easier said than done.  Here are some tips to help you stand your ground the next time your little one tells you why he needs a Twinkie, 10 more minutes before bed, a short order cook, or something he’s just seen on TV.

How to Say No and Mean It:  This is truly the most important tip because there are no take-backs here.  If you’ve realized that letting your child stay up for a little reading isn’t a bad idea after all, you have to stand your ground - even if it affects his literacy.  Just kidding.  Sheesh…I can tell this is a touchy subject. 

Bottom line, your “no” has to remain a “no,” or you’ll teach your children that their reaction can make you change your mind.  It’s true, by giving in you’re basically rewarding the behavior, the crying, the begging, or the anger, which is worse than if you had just said “yes” in the first place.  PS - Don’t apologize for setting limits; it sends the message that you made a bad decision. 

Don’t set yourself up for “no’s.”  Certain places will trigger the questions, “Mom, can I have that?” or “Mommy, can you buy me this?”   It could be at Target, a local toy store, the candy aisle at the supermarket, or even a pizza joint when you want your kids to have a healthy meal.  Whatever the establishment or situation, do your best to steer clear.  When my daughter was 4 she used to flip out at the deli counter when I would tell her to stop taking numbers from the machine.  With number 30-45 in hand, she would throw herself on the ground and scream as if the butcher had hit her with a log of salami. Trust me, shopping at 10pm when the hubby was home and the kids were asleep wasn’t ideal, but it was a hell of a lot easier.

Explain: This doesn’t need to be a long winded speech, nor a debate; just a simple explanation, in terms that your child can understand, is perfect.  If he wants to see an R-rated movie, and you’re anti, explain why it’s inappropriate.  If she wants to skateboard without a helmet, explain why it’s unsafe.  PS – avoid “Because I said so.” I know, we swore we’d never use that phrase, and yet it really flows right off the tongue, doesn’t it?

Give Your Child a Choice: You can make a “no” a little more palatable by offering your child some options that you find acceptable.  Say you don’t allow them to play Frisbee in the house (frankly, why would you?), but you would allow them to play with it outside or maybe do a bit indoor Nerf ball play.  Redirect by giving them alternative places to use the Frisbee or activities to take its place.  This actually helps your children develop a sense of independence and allows them to make their own decisions.  If you’re a little creative, you can think of a suitable alternative to most requests.

Reframe a “No” as a “Yes”:  Our children’s’ requests are often met with a resounding “N-O,” so whenever possible try to give a positive response.  If your child wants a piece of candy say, “Yep, after you finish your homework.”  If your child wants to go to a friend’s house and her room is a mess say, “Okie dokie, after you clean up your room.”  If your little night owl wants to stay up later say, “Sure, on Saturday.”  There are lots of ways to avoid a flat out “No” - don’t worry, you’ll have daily opportunities to test your reframing abilities.

With these little tricks for how to say no in your arsenal you may be able to say “NO” with more authority and with less frequency!

What tricks do you use to stand your ground and learn how to say no?