How I Helped My 9-Year Old Daughter Stand Up to “Mean Girls”

Sorry Mom. I did that. It did not work. Intrinsically all girls suck. Take it from a girl that had that problem from 4th grade thru to 10th. It only stopped because I switched schools to a nerd school on a college campus for the last two years.

As a female bullier and bully victim (all rolled into one) I can tell you walking away works in most cases but some girls just wont allow it. Because walking away dilutes their power which they can't allow. So by all means tell your daughter to walk away but if she has to walk away for a period longer than a month yuo should get involved because things may becom physical.

As a mother of 7- and 9-year-old daughters, I respectfully suggest that while your intentions are the best, you are not equipping your daughter with the tools she will need to deal effectively with this and other female bullying. I know -- I'm dealing with this same issue with my girls (and dealt with it as a child and teen and, like you, this has colored my relations with women to this day) and it's heartbreaking and incredibly difficult. I'm currently reading a book that's helping me work through this with my daughters and so far, I'm finding some good advice. It's called "Little Girls Can Be Mean" and I'm suggesting it here for other moms and educators dealing with this issue. I'm in no way affiliated with the authors or publisher, I'm simply trying to suggest a book that includes tips and tools that I have not seen elsewhere and that I wish I had had as a girl. I wish you and your daughter the best in dealing with this and hope that together we can bring this issue to light and address it as a society. Here's a link to the book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Little-Girls-Can-Mean-Bully-proof/dp/0312615523

Number 1: Go out and buy the book "Queen Bees and Wannabe's" by Rosalind Wiseman. Read it cover to cover. Highlight it. Then, discuss the important sections with your daughter. This book is the brain behind the movie "Mean Girls", must-see viewing with parents for ALL girls starting in 3rd grade.

Number 2: Bullies like to bully because inside they are extremely insecure, and they pick on the one kid they think they can intimidate. By intimidate I mean control the one kid's emotions; instead of happiness, they want to make you feel unhappy, unsure, scared, fearful, powerless. Remove their ability to control emotions and you remove the thrill provided by the bullying.

Number 3: empower your daughter. Go over and over again with your daughter the true motivations of the bullier. Help your daughter find at least one (ideally 3) other good friends to face the bully. Tell the principal and all involved teachers in detail about the bullying. Enlist their help in monitoring the situation and get them to agree to let your daughter have at least one of her "allies" with her at all times. When the bully strikes, your daughter should not ignore the bully. Instead, she should practice saying something like, "Gretta, I get it. You don't like me. I really don't care. But you need to stop."

I've been through bullying that was beyond horrifying with 2 daughters, both are at the end of high school now. You sound like a great mom. Good luck with this!

I'm sorry but "walk away" and any other high-road advise aren't going to help her at all.

Bullies go fir soft targets. The only thing that really works is a jail-house mentality, take down the biggest enemy there, or at least fight BACK.
If your daughter confronts the girl face-to-face, figures out her mean-girl insecure motivation and uses it to disarm her, and in doing so breaks down the established scenario between bully and bullied, she will come out on top.
I was severely (including physically) bullied from age 11 through to 16, before I started hanging out with my older brother's peer group, outside the weird little bubble that is a group of peers in a single school. With a different attitude and some new-found guts, the lead girl that was my tormentor for all those years became nothing more than a sad little thing who was taking out her family issues on the weakest target she could find. I remember saying at the time "I wish I could have realized sooner, how little any of this mattered".

I agree with the others. As someone who was bullied because my parents would discipline me for fighting I put up with it for years. I tried walking away, I tried ignoring it, I tried telling my parents (who made it worse). It finally stopped when I found that my father could punish me any more and took the nastiest one out. I stood up to them and they backed off. Your daughter needs to call the girl out publicly. Stand up to her and face her down. It is the only way.

Step number one, you've done it.
Step two - Never. EVER. EVER let them see you cry. You wanna cry inside? Sure, but laugh out loud at the bully on the outside. NEVER EVER let anyone see you cry, because then they KNOW that you're hurting and they'll pile it on more.
Step three - if it still won't stop - or becomes truly abusive, bring in the big guns - Mom and any/all school officials (other than the obviously incompetent teacher). Since my child went to a Lutheran parochial school it was the principal, the chairman of the board of education, the Pastor, the District president, and the President of the Synod. All cc'd on the letter to the parents explaining EXACTLY what I would do publicly during their child's Confirmation if he did not cease and desist immediately and cease all communication/contact with my daughter.

Worked like a charm.

I am pretty amazed at all the violence. I grew up in the states and although I was bullied-didn't seem to mind. Some girls threatened severe violence and even chased me with their cars. It was excepted-they even broke one sweet girl's jaw. I have always hated violence but I hate even more apathy. Adults need to be the active voice when young girls aren't being educated at home about being a bully. I would call the school and let them know. I would also involve the PTA and if that didn't work-talk to the parents. I would do anything to teach those kids that social etiquette is an important part of life and how you treat people is important. Your daughter uf fine turning the other cheek but you as a mother set the standards for how she grows up. Those are something to fight for.

I am pretty amazed at all the violence. I grew up in the states and although I was bullied-didn't seem to mind. Some girls threatened severe violence and even chased me with their cars. It was excepted-they even broke one sweet girl's jaw. I have always hated violence but I hate even more apathy. Adults need to be the active voice when young girls aren't being educated at home about being a bully. I would call the school and let them know. I would also involve the PTA and if that didn't work-talk to the parents. I would do anything to teach those kids that social etiquette is an important part of life and how you treat people is important. Your daughter uf fine turning the other cheek but you as a mother set the standards for how she grows up. Those are something to fight for.

I am pretty amazed at all the violence. I grew up in the states and although I was bullied-didn't seem to mind. Some girls threatened severe violence and even chased me with their cars. It was excepted-they even broke one sweet girl's jaw. I have always hated violence but I hate even more apathy. Adults need to be the active voice when young girls aren't being educated at home about being a bully. I would call the school and let them know. I would also involve the PTA and if that didn't work-talk to the parents. I would do anything to teach those kids that social etiquette is an important part of life and how you treat people is important. Your daughter uf fine turning the other cheek but you as a mother set the standards for how she grows up. Those are something to fight for.

Bullying isn't "normal" behavior. It is very aberrant, sick behavior. The bullies are usually disturbed. They need mental health services, and their victims often have difficulty getting the help they need to deal with the situation. Known bullies require a LOT of supervision, which is best done by the school. Victims need to be encouraged to come forward and report the bullying. There are too many suicides that can be traced to viscious kids bullying and the severe emotional pain that children feel when they are rejected and isolated by their peers. It is sort of ironic to me, because I went to a Catholic school and bullying was simply NOT tolerated there. We had a bully, male, at one point and those nuns let him and the entire school know, that behavior wasn't happening, period. They nipped it right in the bud and he was made to express remorse (even though he didn't really look sorry, the fact that they had the control and he didn't was what mattered, and it was great to see the former bully made to apologize, nobody wanted to emulate that. The boy he'd bullied was also sort of promoted to sainthood for his "Christ like grace when mistreated" but most of us didn't want the opportunity of exhibiting Christ like grace, through mistreatment... Any way the point I am trying to make here is that ADULTS need to be the ONLY authorities at schools and bullies need to be put into their place by the adults, children cannot handle bullies on their own.

I'm so thankful to homeschool my children. Yes, they spend time with other children, just in smaller groups where there is adequate adult supervision over both physical and verbal interactions. I can't imagine sending my 8-9 year-old into a situation that will ruin their self confidence and their day every day. True, it's important to know how to handle many different situations, but how many adults would knowingly put themselves in a bad situation? If bullying is at it's peak during the public school years, then don't be afraid to consider alternative educational programs. Isn't your child worth it?!

I, also, was a victim of bullying starting at age 9. And I was told the same thing: Ignore them, smile at people and they will like you. Today I walk around with an idiotic smile on my face sure that everyone around me hates me. Perhaps your bullying wasn't as severe, but ignoring my tormentors only made them escalate their attacks in order to get a response. I agree that crying is the worst response possible, but when the attacks escalate to pushing, sitting someone in the water fountain, or throwing food it's hard to do anything BUT cry. I taught my daughters the art of the withering stare. Pick out the ringleader, and stare at her as though she is the biggest idiot in the world and you can't believe how idiotic she is. When she asks, "What are looking at, nerd?" continue to stare. If she approaches, say, "If you lay a finger on me, I WILL report you for assault." Then ask the rest of the group, "What is your problem that you would so willingly follow such a bad example?" And continue to look at them as though expecting a answer. It demonstrated that my girls were operating from a position of strength, intelligence, and confidence--not meekness and reaction. And it worked. I also taught them to set a good example by standing up for others who are being bullied and being kind to others. We practiced various scenarios so they would recognize opportunities when they presented themselves; such as helping someone who has dropped all her books instead of laughing with the others.

As my grandfather would say - If someone hits you, turn the other cheek, if they hit you in the other cheek, get'em! Paraphrased of course. While it is good to pretend it doesn't bother you, your daughter needs a strategy on what to do when turning the other cheek doesn't work. This should be both what to do and what to say. If someone wants an argument - pretend to agree with them (as long as its not picking on someone else). If they don't like your clothes, smile and say "I do, you don't have to wear them." If they are physical, take self defense. This will give her confidence and the ability to defend herself if needs be.
I remember the bullies from my elementary and middle school. I was tiny and waif like. An easy target. I stood my ground and decked the biggest bully in the school yard. I had to repeat the scenario in middle school.
Mostly your daughter's confidence will make the bully back off when bullying it isn't working. Bullies are bullies forever - and she will encounter them in work too, she needs a coping strategy and the confidence to stand her ground.

Teach your daughter to fight back. Just as you would if attacked by an animal or predator.

It is horrible to have to stoop to their level but those who don't get abused well into adulthood.
Surely you don't want your daughter to be the only one staying late to finish the teams work at her otherwise impressive corporate job or worse be the office scapegoat.
Even the most impressive companies and positions have office mean girls and bullies.

In a public place not in the bathroom...
Look the bully right in the eye and loudy tell her to grow up!

Regardless of what she says back it is all about letting the bully' and their followers know the bully is not powerful and your daughter is not afraid. Practice with your daughter a I am ready to fight you stance and confident delivery. I would pre-authorize my child to use the F word.

The bully needing to save face may hit or push your daughter then your daughter will pound the crap out of her to the best of her ability in return.
Bully's do not like to fight and it doesn't matter if your daughter wins or loses, no one can call someone a wimp who fights back. The Bully will move on to a more willing victim.

The school will break the fight up before anyone gets truly harmed. Unless you plan to move the bullying may follow her all the way into HS and at that point things can get dangerous - best to nip it in the bud now.

I woud make sure your report the bullying to the school in writing so if your daughter does get into a fight she has proof she was not the aggressor.

* I had this happen in 7th grade and I only had to act willing to fight and that was it.

I have never heard anyone say they regretted standing up to a bully.
I have heard many adults say they wish they woud have fought back.

I found a book at the library (sorry don't remember the name) and it had a great line in it. It said to ask the bully the question "does it make you feel better about yourself to pick on other people"? I think that's a great no-win question for the bully. I role play/ practice it with my eight year old because she has encountered bullies already.

I was a "new girl" in my high school and was shy because I didn't know anyone. Oh yeah, I suppose I was nerdy too. Two groups of girls started picking on me around the same time. I was a little surprised because I didn't know any of them and was wondering why they singled me out. I remember in gym class, one of the tough chicks (she was in the alternative program and a "burn out") started threatening me out of the blue. I actually looked at her incredulously and asked her, "are you talking to me? I have no idea what the hell you're mumbling about but it better not be about me." I think she was surprised that I talked back and didn't feel threatened (even though I truly was nervous). Her minions smirked and didn't say anything. I think I called her a name and that was it...never heard a peep from her again. The other 2 girls who started in on me shut right up when I told them everyone thought they were dykes. (i know, I know, but this was back in the 80's when being gay wasn't fashionable) They stopped bothering me too and there was no violence.
I also had a friend was teased mercilessly until her sister (also my friend) grabbed one of the wimpy boys in the clique and pushed him up against a locker threatening to beat him up if she didn't stop. Not only did he stop, but he actually became friendly and protective of my picked on friend. Never back down to bullies - in childhood or adulthood. I am a very kind, soft-spoken person, but I do not put up with intimidation from anyone, including bosses or colleagues.

I have a problem with a girl at school. Im nine and so is she. Shes mean to me. One time I was playing outside with my friend on the school grounds. she came over and tried to talk my friend out of playing with me. At a birthday she called me fat infront of all my friends.....I really dont know how to deal with her on a daily basis and she is meaner and meaner everyday...........:(.

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Why would title this "How I helped my... daughter"? Your last sentences are "Did I get it right? I sure hope so."
So you actually have no idea, at this writing, if it helped. You're sharing an anecdote, not advice.

As a victim of bullying, I have to disagree with your advice. I started getting bullied by another girl in the 6th grade, not just verbally, but also physically. My mother told me to ignore her. To walk away. I started throwing up every morning before school. I ate lunch by myself. I didn't go out to recess after lunch, but stayed in the cafeteria and helped clean up because if I went on the playground I would get verbally attacked by the bully and her minions. After I was jumped by this girl and two of her friends at school, we were all called into the principal's office. I was told I was going to be suspended for three days as well. Although I hadn't fought back, I had written a note to a "friend" calling the bully a b**** after the attack, which she gave to the bully, who gave it to the principal. My mom pulled me out of school and I spent the next two years in private school. When I transferred to the public high school, the bullying picked up where it had left office. She stomped on my foot so hard that it broke bones. I ignored it for another two years, until she pushed me in the locker room, and I snapped and stood up for myself. I say snapped, and I mean it. It was like an out of body experience that I had no control over. After the bully realized that I wasn't going to take it anymore, she stopped targeting me. Which isn't to say that she wouldn't still body check me in the hallway, but at least the every day mental/verbal/physical abuse stopped. Had I not stood up for myself and fought back, the bullying would have continued until the day we graduated. In my personal experience, ignoring a bully doesn't work.

I am a therapist for adolescents. I deal with kids who've been bullied, and also with bullies. Not all bullies are insecure and feel bad about themselves. Many are simply kids who've been allowed to get away with bad behavior and do this because its fun to them. Walking away when its happening daily does not work. Rather, it proves to the bully they are allowed to do whatever they want again. I generally suggest that the parent start a paper trail. Call the principal and document that you did. Ask what they will do about it, and request a follow up letter. Keep in mind however, that schools generally have little they can do. Usually the parent has to threaten a lawsuit against the bully and his/her parents. Money speaks, and that's usually the way things change. One thing that does often help, depending on the age of the child...9 might be a bit young for this...is to handle it with humor directed at the bully. Speficially "please continue this as I'm kind of poor and the lawsuit I'm going to bring against you will make me rich." This does often work on high school kids, but the bullied adolescent has to be able to say in a way that defuses rather than excellerates the issue.

I really want to state again: As a therapist, I can tell you that walking away is absolutely the wrong way to deal with daily bullying. It empowers the bully and weakens the self confidence of the bullied. I again encourage you to create a paper trail. Best of luck!

My son was the victim of a bully last school year. I told him basically the same thing...walk away. Do not attempt to even interact with the other boy because it will just escalate. This didn't work. Finally, I told him to ask the boy if it made him fell better to pick on people...if it made him a better person to treat someone else like dirt...and also told him to tell this person that what he was doing was just picking on people who wouldn't fight back because he's not worth it.
FINALLY, it stopped. The boy, they still go to school together and actually play baseball on the same teams, has resorted to being nicer... at least to MY KID.

That is the dumbest advice I have ever heard. The link that I followed to get here said you solved the problem. You didn't do anything. Not that you necessarily could, but that advice is worse than worthless. The only upside is now I know to never bother clicking on a "momtourage" (site name should have been a clue) article again.

Shockingly enough, I am dealing with mean girls already in Kindergarten! My daughter is very outgoing and smart and makes friends very easily. She made a new friend this year in her class (we will call her Sara) and they became inseparable. There are plenty of playdates at each others houses and the girls really seem to enjoy each other. Problem is, this girls best friend from last year (lets call her Michelle) is also in the class, and doesn't like it when anyone else gets any attention from Sara. Michelle, who is all of 5 years old, starts telling Sara on a daily basis that she hates my daughter (yes, she uses the word hate all of the time). Sara and my daughter sit together on the bus on the way home from school (they are assigned seats together) and Sara starts telling my daughter that Michelle hates her. So, my daughter starts coming off the bus crying daily because of this. First off, I am not impressed with Michelle, but I am also not impressed with Sara. I think it is mean and hurtful of her to tell my daughter this stuff. Finally, the daughter of my best friend (we will call her Jane), who is also a classmate of my daughters, goes home the other day and tells my best friend that Sara told her she has no intention on inviting my daughter to her birthday party. Jane, who is a very sweet little girl, knew better than to tell my daughter such a hurtful thing, and instead went to her mother (my best friend) with this as she felt it wasn't very nice of Sara to say. I don't want to tell my daughter what Sara said to Jane because I don't want to hurt her self-confidence, but also because I don't want to make Jane a target as well (I know my daughter will confront Sara if she knows because she did confront Michelle).
Needless to say, this girl will not be setting foot in my house again, nor will my daughter be playing at her house again. I feel badly because my daughter thinks she is just wonderful, but I refuse to allow her to be subjected to mean girl behaviour already! I expected this in the pre-teen and teen years. I never expected it in Kindergarten with a bunch of 5 and 6 year olds!!!!

I too was the victim of bullies growing up, I was a quiet, shy girl and moved a lot, so I was bullied all through high school, but became a strong, independent, outspoken adult. I worried my daughters would go through the same, my oldest is me, quiet and shy, but so funny and sweet to anyone who bothers to get to know her. It was my sweet, 9 yr old middle daughter who was always the queen of the classroom who was bullied! I had to step in because the bullying had mounted to verbal threats ("my brother is going to wait for you after school and beat you up") to the bully actually tripping my daughter in class and causing her to fall face first on the ground and chip a tooth. The girl was sent to mandatory counselor meetings and there has been no bullying since.

I was picked on every single day. It was a nightmare. I used to go to bed with a stomach ache dreading going to school the next day. It would have been better for me to be home-schooled or just drop out of school altogether. The bullying never stopped and there is no way to make those people stop doing what they do. If it's happening to your kid you won't know how bad it is because he or she will try to not be weak about it and come crying to you all the time. If you knew how bad it really was you might pull your kid from school just to keep their sanity. I have run into people from school I haven't seen in twenty years and they still give me that look. Their mouth smiles and their eyes laugh and they whisper to the person they are with. I am still the kid that gets picked on and I am a grown woman. It never ends.