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Can We Really Help Stop Bullying or Are We Just a Bunch of Hypocrites?
Do we tell our kids to get along and we don’t do the same?
The bullying situation in our country has reached crisis proportions. Schools have instituted “zero tolerance” policies to try to eradicate the senseless degradation, humiliation and abuse of students by other students. We are aghast at the cruel and indecent treatment that some children inflict upon others. We listen in horror as we hear of another “bullycide”.
Various organizations, individuals and groups are working diligently towards eradicating this abusive behavior and I am glad they are there. I’ve seen both sides of the bullying equation in my practice. Our kids are hurting. We are trying to respond.
Still, we wonder, “What more can we do?”
When it comes to bullying, we blame parents for not raising their kids properly. We blame teachers for not catching it faster or doing more about it. We blame the bystanders who see it but say nothing. We even go so far as blaming the victims themselves. Yet it occurs to me that there is a much bigger problem at hand.
The bullying that we see in the schools is a reflection of our society at large. We tell our kids to be kind and get along, yet we have trouble doing that very thing ourselves. How can we expect our kids to “do the right thing” when we have trouble doing it ourselves?
As long as institutionalized racism, sexism, violence, ageism and homophobia are alive and well, how can we possibly demonstrate the tenets of kindness, compassion, inclusion and fairness? As long as we deny access, maintain bias, and otherwise demean certain groups, we are operating from a “Do as I say, not as I do” mentality. From a behavioral perspective, we know this is ineffective. It seems that systemically, we have our work cut out for us.
As long as the status quo remains, it appears unlikely that we can affect any change from the top-down. Our main hope may lie in our children. Perhaps they can get it right with the intervention programs that are being instituted in the schools. If our kids can get it right, maybe we can follow their lead.
What do you think?
More About: bullies, communication skills, emotional wellness, fighting, health and wellness, in the news, bullying
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I understand what you are saying and I agree with most of what you said but I see the problem this way. We raise our children to be independent and to be able to take care of themselves. If we jump in every time they have an issue with another kid at school, then what are we teaching them? I can't change society and I don't have to change how I feel, I'm not perfect but I'm not biased, homophobic or racist. What you said is great and all but some kids need assistance now.
I have a 16 year old who had special issues when he was younger. He was teased un-mercifully by the other kids. It was constant and when I complained, they tried to make me feel as if I was being an over protective mom. Or that I was over-reacting. Or that my son had brought it on himself. Thank goodness, he was placed on an IEP and I immediately called Protection and Advocacy. They had a lawyer call the school and threaten to press charges, not only against the students that were bullying him but also against the school for allowing it to continue. If your child is on an IEP, you have so many more rights that you can use to protect them. If anyone suggests putting your child on one, even if it's for behavioral reasons, DO IT! If we hadn't, my son would be in an institution. He is on the varsity football team now and is on the honor roll. They have paid for summer camps, counseling, traveling and all kinds of things I thought I would never be able to afford. He still has some problems with bullying, but he is bigger now and can take care of himself a little bit better. He still tells me when it happens and I guide him through it. But, sometimes the answer is to be physical back with them. Sometimes, punching a bully in the mouth and letting him know that you aren't going to take any more of their crap is enough to make them leave you alone. That isn't always the best way but it has worked a time or two. And, if you are a parent who involves themselves in all aspects of what is going on with our kids at school, the teachers don't like it and neither does the principal. They don't like being scrutinized or second guessed. I ended up going to court twice with our school, with P&A providing the lawyers. I guess I have an attitude about them now, but I won't take any more crap from a teacher or principal again. I learned my and my kids rights and I will fight to the death to see them receive them. So, educate yourself about school rules, policies and student rights. Then, check out the No Child Left Behind Law and IDEA. The school might end up hating to see you coming up the walkway but isn't your child worth it?
MINE WAS!
I have a 13 year old daughter who is a strait A student and I am a stay at home mom. We moved to Florida from New Jersey. She has had such a hard time finding good friends with parents who care about their children, it seems like everyone is divorced. I have tried to be kind to children with parents who are to busy with their lives to care about their children. I have gone out of my way to drive these children back and forth to school and help their families, but it seems to have backfired on us. A big group of girls decided to be very mean to my daughter out of jealously. She loved these girls and wanted nothing more to be accepted and liked by them. My husband and I realized they were no good for my daughter when her behavior started to change due to the fact that they could do anything they want. We went through a tough year with her. One of the girls continually lied for attention and we continued to ignor it because her mom was never there for her and we felt sorry for her. One day she went home and told her mother that my husband hit her while she was at my house. It was a complete lie, it changed our lives, her mom called the police on us. It sent our family in a downward spiral and made my daughter very depressed, she lost alot of friends. I am now homeschooling my daughter because she was so embarassed to go back to school. The incident never happened and has been devasting to my family. I no longer trust strange children in my home and feel sad because I love being a stay at home mom and helping less fortunate children. If I were not home for my daughter, I feel maybe she would have thought about suicide. Many children from school were mean to her when she did not return to school and I feel the girl that lies for attention has been telling lies about our family!! My daughter knows now that she made a bad choice in friends, only because she has my constant love and attention to get her through this very hard time! Children need their parents love and attention constantly!!!!!!
This is a phenomenon I've been having a hard time trying to really figure out.
As far as I'm concerned, I DO think it is natural for there to be conflict amongst kids during high school around these issues; it's been there forever, and in a way it helps them learn certain important lessons about life.
However, I DON'T understand how it's becoming so much more serious, violent, and frequent. You'd think that this would become easier for kids to deal with as me mature as society of people.
Then again, now that I think of it, it's almost like this kind of controversy HAS gotten steadily worse over the years ... decades ago, rules in school were far more strict and, although this all still existed, it seems to me like it was under better control ...
So then what's to blame? Why are kids becoming more and more out control in general? The violence, the sex, the drugs and alcohol -- I don't want to sound like a preachy old timer, but they're doing it earlier and more intensely as the years pass ...
What other trends can we corollate with this? I've got a few theories; the rise in absence of parents and their consequent disconnect with their kids, and the increase in general acceptance of violence, sex, and drugs in popular media such as movies, music videos and music.
Now, I'm OK with the latter - freedom of speech and expression is great. However, that coupled with a lack of parents and parenting to explain and educate their children is a bad recipe if you ask me.
And if you did, that'd be my answer.
Agreed. No one will be able to get rid of gay bullying until it stops becoming publicly acceptable! I mean you could find politicians and other public figures who can be down right degrading to so many parts of the population. When you see those adults getting away with it and even praised for it, why would you ever stop or learn its wrong?
You are absolutely correct, Wendy. Who takes the responsibility?
As a former teacher, it was natural to expect and praise children and adults for taking the responsibility for themselves and for others. Giving and loving!
What happened? The key now seems to be "it wasn't me, it was the other guy!" Adults will own up to the work to be done. Well, they used to be willing to take charge of their own lives and accept the consequences. Now we hear, it was someone elses fault.
I don't care who is at fault, just make corrections immediately to solve the problem. Employees blame each other; the post office says we did our best but the package is still lost; the Cable TV Co. says those are the rules, etc.
The blame game goes down the channels and ends up back at the original place. Be responsible and correct the problems yourself!
"institutionalized racism, sexism, violence, ageism and homophobia are alive and well"
you lost me after that. I do not believe that statement. you can make believe it is true. but it isn't.
In response to another poster's cry that institutional racism, sexism, violence ageism and homophobia do not exist, I must say: apparently, ignorance too is "alive and well." So is denial.
Considering I've had a friend lose 8 teeth to a racist attack, I can assure you, racism is alive and well.
Considering women still, almost a century since they started work, earn 3/4 what a man does, I can assure you, sexism is alive and well.
Homophobia is utterly apparent in every board waving lunatic at every gay soldier's funeral, but more-so in simple condemnation they suffer daily.
Ageism... less so. I've not seen anyone attacked for being old, however the impact is felt more strongly even than some of the others because the defenses aren't in place to protect them.
Its a simple and repeated old addage. Children arent born knowing how to hate. They are taught.
Being caught bullying should mean expulsion.