When You Say "Be Nice," What do You Really Mean?

I was introduced to the concept of character education by my friend about four years ago.

She had invited a few of us over to her house for a playdate with her son. My daughter, who was thick in the midst of the willfull two’s at the time, got into it a tug-of-war with another Terrible Two-er over her Dora doll.

The little girl’s mother and I arrived at the fracas at the same time; we both got down on bended knees to be eye to eye with our precious offspring and we both spoke in low, soothing, but firm tones. “You have to be nice," I said.

“If she doesn’t want to share, that’s her issue, not yours,” is what she said to hers.

Issue? What? Who? My child?  Somebody’s Ego was tied a little too tightly. I picked my daughter up, huffily marched over to my cup of Lemon Hibiscus tea, angrily tossed it back AND inhaled the four homemade organic butter cookies that were to have been my daughter’s snack. I bounced my baby girl on my hip so hard she began to cry. It took all I had to not go over to that mother and bounce her on my hip so hard that she began to cry. Seeing my Mama Bear mad all over my face, my friend pulled me into her kitchen to “show me something." 

After two more cookies, I launched into an Oscar-worthy performance of “my kid will never-in-the-history-of-ever play with that demon child again!” My friend waited for the curtain to fall and then asked me what I meant by telling my daughter to be nice. Completely baffled as to why we were not discussing how we were going to banish the Bride of Chucky and her evil issue from our lives forever, I stammered something about wanting her to be fair and unselfish. 

With the quiet strength I have come to admire about her, my friend gently suggested that I use thos same words with my daughter. I should have given her a value to practice rather than the empty “be nice” admonition.

“The virtues”, she said, “offer character qualities that are real and relevant; They mean something.”

I thought about that. I thought about how every time someone used “be nice” to me, they were usually trying to get me to do something they wanted me to do, whether I wanted to or not. I thought about how “nice” might have described a pair of shoes, a slice of cake, or a postcard. I thought about how when I used the word "nice" to describe someone it was usually because I really didn’t have anything else to say.

I would prefer to be thought of as assertive, creative, joyful and considerate than "nice". I want my daughter to be kind, patient, generous, compassionate, and courageous.  And even though the Dora violators were not forever banished that day, the word “nice” has been--when it comes to talking about our behavior at least.

As a family, we have since adopted the practice of speaking specifically about a way of being: that way is respectful, responsible, reliable. As parents, we find ourselves with many teachable moments thanks to Lindsay, Kim K., Supreme Court Justices Thomas and Scalia. Each and every day we are given opportunities to practice virtues and we have seen the difference it has made in our family. 

That is not to say that I am not being selfish when I sneak to my favorite bakery to buy my favorite brownie… and eat by myself. I am. The difference is I forgive myself when I do.

If you would like to learn more about character education or The Virtues, visit virtuesproject.com for more information.