8 Discipline Mistakes Parents Make and How to Fix Them Now
Parents make mistakes too. Some of them really matter.
Kids aren’t like car engines—they don’t come with instruction manuals. When kids are acting up, it’s up to us as parents to figure out how to fix the behaviors. Though we all try our best to do the right thing, we aren’t perfect, and we can make mistakes.
Here are 8 of the most common discipline mistakes parents make, and the best ways to fix them.
Mistake #1: Letting them get away with it. We’ve all seen parents sit idly by as their kids scream and tear up a restaurant. Besides getting a lot of nasty looks from their fellow diners, these permissive parents are giving their kids the message that it’s okay to misbehave. “The kid learns to get away with it and it becomes an entrenched habit that makes it harder to get rid of later,” says Michele Borba, EdD, author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. Being firm with your kids now will prevent more discipline problems in the future.
Mistake #2: Over-punishing. On the opposite side of the spectrum are the overly strict parents who set draconian punishments (like taking away TV for a month) for the most minor infractions. It’s important to find the right balance between being a warm, loving parent and letting your kids know which behaviors aren’t acceptable. If you’re shifting to one side or the other, “Realign yourself once in a while,” says Borba.
Mistake #3: No rules. Your child can’t behave the right way if she doesn’t know what the right way is. Set a few clear house rules and post them where everyone can see them. “You’re going to cut down on the friction in your house because all you have to do is point to the rules,” Borba says. Make sure you also have clear consequences for each rule.
Mistake #4: Inconsistency. When you take away your child’s video games for talking back one day, and then do nothing when he talks back the next day, he’ll keep trying that behavior to see what happens. “Kids are testers. They figure out what works,” says Borba. When you’re consistent, your children will be more likely to behave because they’ll know exactly what response to expect from you.
Mistake #5: Falling for tantrums. Kids scream and throw temper tantrums to get attention. Don’t give it. If you consistently ignore the whining, pouting, and screaming, eventually your child will realize she’s not going to get a reaction and the behavior will taper off. What you definitely can’t ignore, however, is aggressive or cruel behavior.
Mistake #6: Backing down. If you tell your child she can’t buy a new doll, then give in and buy it for her when she whines, she’s just learned a valuable lesson in how to push your buttons. “The kid has figured out you don’t have a backbone. It means to the child, ‘I can wear her down. She doesn’t mean business,’” Borba says. When you say “no,” it should mean no.
Mistake #7: Hitting. Though it might stop the behavior immediately, spanking can have negative long-term repercussions, making kids more aggressive and triggering more behavioral problems down the road. Frequent yelling can also stress your kids out. Be firm without hitting—or screaming.
Mistake #8: Not recognizing good behavior. You punish your kids when they’re bad, but do you praise them when they’re good? “The fastest way to shape behavior is to point out when the kid did it right,” Borba says. Show your kids what good behavior looks like, then acknowledge when they do it.
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Spanking a child will not make them more aggressive. It is a deterrent. If because you say so is not enough then a little spank is there to back up the message. Your kids will thank you for it later!
A speech is easier to forget than a spanking........
anyone else notice that number 1 and number 5 cannot both be 'correct'. First they tell you not to ignore your child's tantrum "We’ve all seen parents sit idly by as their kids scream and tear up a restaurant." then, number 5 tells you TO ignore that behavior: "Kids scream and throw temper tantrums to get attention. Don’t give it. "
So what is a parent to do? take about inconsistent!
It is frightening to think that either one of the above posters are parents.
It is frightening to think that either one of the above posters are parents.
I agree with this article with the exception of #7. There's nothing wrong with spanking as long as it is not in excess. I wish all parents would follow these rules.
Kids are not like car engines in many other ways as well. Take care you don't think of them like car engines that need "fixing" rather than like human beings.
Discipline needs to be custom tailored to your child's personality.
A sensitive child may experience repercussions from a spanking while his or her sibling needs the occasional spanking.
A child who very rarely watches television may need a month without it to feel the consequence while an avid viewer will feel tortured from just 1 or 2 evenings without.
Consequence should be based on the effect it will have on that child - society wants to express the uniqueness of a child while at the same time attempting to create a cookie cutter list of rules for 'good' parenting.
I certainly won't be winning any parent of the year awards but one thing I have learned is the most effective consequences relate to the unwanted behavior.
For example if your teen has a door slamming problem - remove thier door. When my son was a toddler and acted up at a restaurant my husband and I took turns sitting with him in the car. It wasn't any fun for us - I ate alone, then switched the car sitting duty and hubby ate alone.
But never again did my son misbehave in a restaurant.
My son has received a couple spankings - if you think the spanking hurt what do you think it will feel like if you get hit by a car?
We have a dangerous (for a toddler) two story banister one could climb on and fall off.
Rather then simply tell my son not to climb on it we dropped a couple eggs, splat on the hard tile two stories down. He cleaned up the one he dropped and I mine which assured he knew the clean-up outweighed the fun of repeating the egg dropping. lol
When my 13 year old behind my back planned a meeting with a stranger on MySpace and informed me if it didn't matter if he was a predator because she would just fight back and run away;
I beat her (no bruises) I told her she was welcome to fight back her hardest AND if she was able to getaway she could keep her internet access.
I kept her on the ground rebuffing every attempt she made to get away or hit me back until she was bawling. She came back after pouting in her room for a couple hours and gave me her friends parents number so I could tell them she was also planning on meeting up with a stranger.
Same kid when she was 4 and had a tantrum at the grocery store I threw myself on the ground until she stopped and was begging me to stop - never another tantrum. The home tantrums stopped with her when I busted out a tape recorder.
That never would have worked with my son he didn't care that much about public perception. He is a much easier child and enjoys positive reinforcement much more then she did. He had one tantrum when he was 3 at home because he didn't want to go to time out and I spanked him.
I have more then made my point :)
~amber
Part 2: I find the never spank demand unnecessary and incorrect
My son has received a couple spankings - if you think the spanking hurt what do you think it will feel like if you get hit by a car?
We have a dangerous (for a toddler) two story banister one could climb on and fall off.
Rather then simply tell my son not to climb on it we dropped a couple eggs, splat on the hard tile two stories down. He cleaned up the one he dropped and I mine which assured he knew the clean-up outweighed the fun of repeating the egg dropping. lol
When my 13 year old behind my back planned a meeting with a stranger on MySpace and informed me if it didn't matter if he was a predator because she would just fight back and run away;
I beat her (no bruises) I told her she was welcome to fight back her hardest AND if she was able to getaway she could keep her internet access.
I kept her on the ground rebuffing every attempt she made to get away or hit me back until she was bawling. She came back after pouting in her room for a couple hours and gave me her friends parents number so I could tell them she was also planning on meeting up with a stranger.
Same kid when she was 4 and had a tantrum at the grocery store I threw myself on the ground until she stopped and was begging me to stop - never another tantrum. The home tantrums stopped with her when I busted out a tape recorder.
That never would have worked with my son he didn't care that much about public perception. He is a much easier child and enjoys positive reinforcement much more then she did.
My son has received a couple spankings - if you think the spanking hurt what do you think it will feel like if you get hit by a car?
We have a dangerous (for a toddler) two story banister one could climb on and fall off.
Rather then simply tell my son not to climb on it we dropped a couple eggs, splat on the hard tile two stories down. He cleaned up the one he dropped and I mine which assured he knew the clean-up outweighed the fun of repeating the egg dropping. lol
When my 13 year old behind my back planned a meeting with a stranger on MySpace and informed me if it didn't matter if he was a predator because she would just fight back and run away;
I beat her (no bruises) I told her she was welcome to fight back her hardest AND if she was able to getaway she could keep her internet access.
I kept her on the ground rebuffing every attempt she made to get away or hit me back until she was bawling. She came back after pouting in her room for a couple hours and gave me her friends parents number so I could tell them she was also planning on meeting up with a stranger.
Same kid when she was 4 and had a tantrum at the grocery store I threw myself on the ground until she stopped and was begging me to stop - never another tantrum. The home tantrums stopped with her when I busted out a tape recorder.
That never would have worked with my son he didn't care that much about public perception. He is a much easier child and enjoys positive reinforcement much more then she did.
Spankings:
My son has received a couple spankings - if you think the spanking hurt what do you think it will feel like if you get hit by a car?
When my 13 year old behind my back planned a meeting with a stranger on MySpace and informed me if it didn't matter if he was a predator because she would just fight back and run away;
I beat her (no bruises or red marks, most of it was show) I told her she was welcome to fight back her hardest AND if she was able to getaway she could keep her internet access.
I kept her on the ground rebuffing every attempt she made to get away or hit me back until she was bawling. She came back after pouting in her room for a couple hours and asked me to call her friends parents so I could tell them she was also planning on meeting up with a stranger. She realized how stupid her assumption of safety was and was worried about her friend.
It chaps my hide when someone condemns spanking.
My son has received a couple spankings - if you think the spanking hurt what do you think it will feel like if you get hit by a car?
We have a dangerous (for a toddler) two story banister one could climb on and fall off.
Rather then simply tell my son not to climb on it we dropped a couple eggs, splat on the hard tile two stories down. He cleaned up the one he dropped and I mine which assured he knew the clean-up outweighed the fun of repeating the egg dropping. lol
Had he climbed on the banister after that I would have spanked him.
When I caught my 13 year old behind my back planned a meeting with a stranger on MySpace and informed me if it didn't matter if he was a predator because she would just fight back and run away;
I beat her (no bruises) I told her she was welcome to fight back her hardest AND if she was able to getaway she could keep her internet access.
I kept her on the ground rebuffing every attempt she made to get away or hit me back until she was bawling. She came back after pouting in her room for a couple hours and gave me her friends parents number so I could tell them she was also planning on meeting up with a stranger.
She was worried about her friend after the ‘demonstration’ I provided. I had preached to high heaven about the dangers and she even lied and said she did not have a MySpace account.
Same kid when she was 4 and had a tantrum at the grocery store I threw myself on the ground until she stopped and was begging me to stop - never another tantrum. The home tantrums stopped with her when I busted out a tape recorder.
That never would have worked with my son he didn't care that much about public perception. He is a much easier child and enjoys positive reinforcement much more then she did.
Discipline needs to be custom tailored to your child's personality.
A sensitive child may experience repercussions from a spanking while his or her sibling needs the occasional spanking.
A child who very rarely watches television may need a month without it to feel the consequence while an avid viewer will feel tortured from just 1 or 2 evenings without.
Consequence should be based on the effect it will have on that child - society wants to express the uniqueness of a child while at the same time attempting to create a cookie cutter list of rules for 'good' parenting.
I certainly won't be winning any parent of the year awards but one thing I have learned is the most effective consequences relate to the unwanted behavior.
For example if your teen has a door slamming problem - remove thier door. When my son was a toddler and acted up at a restaurant my husband and I took turns sitting with him in the car. It wasn't any fun for us - I ate alone, then switched the car sitting duty and hubby ate alone.
But never again did my son misbehave in a restaurant.
My son has received a couple spankings - if you think the spanking hurt what do you think it will feel like if you get hit by a car?
We have a dangerous (for a toddler) two story banister one could climb on and fall off.
Rather then simply tell my son not to climb on it we dropped a couple eggs, splat on the hard tile two stories down. He cleaned up the one he dropped and I mine which assured he knew the clean-up outweighed the fun of repeating the egg dropping. lol
When my 13 year old behind my back planned a meeting with a stranger on MySpace and informed me if it didn't matter if he was a predator because she would just fight back and run away;
I beat her (no bruises) I told her she was welcome to fight back her hardest AND if she was able to getaway she could keep her internet access.
I kept her on the ground rebuffing every attempt she made to get away or hit me back until she was bawling. She came back after pouting in her room for a couple hours and gave me her friends parents number so I could tell them she was also planning on meeting up with a stranger.
Same kid when she was 4 and had a tantrum at the grocery store I threw myself on the ground until she stopped and was begging me to stop - never another tantrum. The home tantrums stopped with her when I busted out a tape recorder.
That never would have worked with my son he didn't care that much about public perception. He is a much easier child and enjoys positive reinforcement much more then she did.
Funny how #7 suggests that spanking makes children more aggressive. For the most part didn't most of us adults grow up with parents who spanked us? Are we all aggressive parents now? No. A swat on the behind never traumatized a child. That's why there are so many disrespectful children and teenagers nowadays. Parents are too concerned with being friends with their kids then with being parents.
Funny how #7 suggests that spanking makes children more aggressive. For the most part didn't most of us adults grow up with parents who spanked us? Are we all aggressive parents now? No. A swat on the behind never traumatized a child. That's why there are so many disrespectful children and teenagers nowadays. Parents are too concerned with being friends with their kids then with being parents.
it tells the truth anyways
"Spanking a child will not make them more aggressive. It is a deterrent. If because you say so is not enough then a little spank is there to back up the message. Your kids will thank you for it later!
A speech is easier to forget than a spanking........"
That's right! Kids in the US are too pampered into thinking they are the real boss of the house...like a time out is a punishment? It's not a punishment- it's a time for them to think of other better ways to misbehave! (ok I'm kidding a little but you get the drift) How many parents out there were spanked as a child? (Not beaten just spanked) And ask yourself honestly did it affect you negatively? Did you become the raging psychopath that all these mumbo-jumbo touchy feely therapists claim you should be because your parents spanked you? I don't think so. I'm not saying that every time a child misbehaves they should get a spanking, but sometimes you have to draw the line. And the current 'punishments' for children are based on the fact that they have TOO MUCH stuff- their lives have become centered around their stuff and not their actions. (If they don't get good grades- you take away their cell phone, computer, computer games....) Basically we're creating a legion of mass consumers that think it's a punishment not to have those things!
Mostly good advice, but I would like to add a few things. Both of my children were very well behaved; at a young age (2) I started giving them simple explanations on why they needed to do as I asked. (ie- hold my hand when crossing a street- I don't want you hit by a car). I do disagree w/the advice on temper tamtrums. I just picked my kid up and left. Or took them to another room, put them in their crib or room or whatever, and told them they could come out when they stopped. Kids fighting over toys? I took the toy and put it away for a week, told them they could have it when they could share. Took 2 times before they learned to share, never any more arguments. Spanking? Tough one. I never touched one child, but the other child did get a swat on the diaper butt a few times. Reason? I was a divorced parent and I knew he would grow bigger than me. Outright being told by him: I'm not gonna do what you say! earned him those swats. As a teenager who towered over me by 12 inches, he remembered that and would tease me "No arguments from me, Mom, I don't want to be embarrassed in front of my friends by getting a spanking". I think the most important things are: No has to mean no; and I spent alot of time with my kids telling them the things I did expect from them. School was their "job". Dress for success, etc. Last of all, the 2 golden rules: Never do anything illegal, and try not to do things you can't undo (piercings, tattoos, teenage pregnancy, STD's, etc).
Mistake #1 is inconsistency. Strict parents. Lenient parents. Both types can raise well-behaved children. At the end of the day, though, regardless of where you fall on the spectrum you need to be consistent so that the child knows what the limits are and what they mean.
The reason why spanking is wrong is because it is unnecessary. Children need boundaries that are clear. If the threshold for getting their way is set at spanking, then they will push their way until theyget spanked. If the threshold for getting their way is set lower, they will stop at that threshold. The key is to let the child know when they are approaching the threshold and give them the choice to continue and be punished or to back off. Kids wants the approval of their parents, establish clear boundaries and they will reward you with good behavior.
Regarding the poster who stated that numbers 1 and 5 are inconsistent, I think there's a difference between weathering a tantrum and removing them from a public situation during a tantrum. If my child is in a restaurant and he starts screaming because he's not allowed to have dessert, he won't be getting dessert and we're also not staying in the restaurant. He can scream all he wants in the car or at home. If at all humanly possible I won't subject the rest of the world to tantrums, but I also won't give in to whatever it is that he's hoping to get out of it. And I think there's a difference between a tantrum and general bad behavior, which is what I believe number 1 was really trying to get at.